Late Night Catharsis

slight updates

2008-03-31T01:53:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I know it sounds kinda strange aaand not like me, but I've been trying to read a classic piece of literature once every...well, once every once in a while. And by classic I don't actually have any harsh specifications...just stuff I've heard referenced in conversations/movies/anywhere that sparks my interest. A while ago I read The Once and Future King. And it was actually really good. I've been reading tons of C.S. Lewis Fiction and now that I've pretty much exhausted that I'm turning to one of his and Tolkiens favs, George MacDonald. The only reason that i mention all this (besides showing off how highly educated i am, haha! <-ok, no seriously; longish side note: if I get interested in something I spend WAY more time researching it than if I ever would if I were to write a 15 page paper on it. One day when I had some free time because my work shift had been, well, shifted, I spent three hours at the public library reading about tea. University is just a bluff really, real education happens when you are procrastinating from doing the forced education...)...(and now I've forgotten how this sentence began...oh yes) is because I had to translate a passage of Herodotus for my Greek homework (ick), which of course led me to the internet for some legitamite translation I might use as a reference to what the heck was going on. And, voila! I found a site that has many classic works (both old and new) online for your reading pleasure. Amazing! I've been looking for this kind of site for ages! Maybe it's just me, but every once in a while I get curious about a certain piece of work that I've heard about all my life, but never even heard the plot for. And I'm either forced to forget about it because there are no copies at the library or else I am forced to wait for months before I can get a copy from said library. But now, I can just pop on here and see if I can find a sample of the work to find out if it's worth all the trouble of getting a copy. Heck, if I'm feeling lazy enough I can just read the whole thing on computer (I just mentally threw up at the thought of reading all of The Once and Future King on a computer screen...). Maybe if I had known about this site this morning I wouldn't have put The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam on hold (I've been curious about it ever since watching The Music Man as a kid, lol! Oh, and watching Rocky and Bullwinkle of course!). So there you have it, I've added the site on my list'o'sites on the right side here -> along with a blog that my cousin introduced me to.
I'll let you know how it goes with the Persian poetry...

I like Bowie songs...Labyrinth was good too...

2008-02-23T15:15:00.007-07:00

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky
we know Major Tom's a junky
Strung out in heaven's heights
hitting an all time low...

You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that I should have gone into the arts. It's possible that I may be called to missions, but I'm pretty sure there's more than that. I'm also fairly convinced that arts matter much much more than anyone really imagines. Living in itself is a type of art, or at least it has an art to it. I'm also fairly convinced that most people I've met haven't a clue what living really is. So it's quite lovely to be able to talk to someone who has a talent for living, as I've had the chance to do recently. It's just astonishing that I haven't met very many of those people, ever. And the more shocking thing is that most of those people I do meet are not Christian's yet. But I think that when they do meet God they will know a good deal more about Him than most people who go to church.
It's very gratifying being able to write stuff here again because I'm fairly convinced that nobody reads it anymore. It saves a lot of time overexplaining myself. So let's assume I'm the only one who'll ever read this ever again. Ready?
Hello future self! I made and omlette today. And I'm going to make a pie for Amy. Go out and record that song now! Yes now! Providing it's done of course. No? Well then write to Steve and finish it! Honestly!

My apologies to anyone who actually does read this. I just figured out how to sign in again (I forgot) and I'm procrastinating from doing my homework.

I'm Coming Back To Your Unfailing Love...

2007-03-25T14:39:00.000-06:00

"Did you know that you're called to missions? I've been praying over you and that's what God told me."
-Ben Vroon, St. James Anglican

Thank you God. Thank you! You know I've always wanted to be free to trust you for everything. You know I've always been jealous of Amy for having prophetic words spoken about her, and never about me. You know that I've been contemplating whether I might be called to missions. You know that I needed that confirmation to remind me of who I am. Thank you for making me who I am. I like me: you've been so faithful with your promise to transform me. Now I think I understand.

"The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person. Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you."
-1 Samuel 10:6-8

Uh...Left?

2007-03-17T18:57:00.000-06:00

So...in the spirit of asking questions I thought I'd take some of my own medicine. I got this off of Annika's Blog:

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
Not as easy as you might think... first thought!
1. Where is your cell phone?
Cool
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Pff.
3. Your hair?
Long
4. Your mother?
Broken
5. Your father?
Dreams
6. Your favorite item?
Lots
7. Your dream last night?
Trapped
8. Your favorite drink?
Culture
9. Your dream car?
Not
10. The room you are in?
Photo
12. Your fear?
You
13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Free
14. Who did you hang out with last night?
Panama
15. What you're not?
Finished
16. Muffins?
Poppy
17 One of your wish list items?
Time
18 Time?
Broken
20. What are you wearing?
Style
22. Your favorite book?
Childhood
23. The last thing you ate?
Munchie
24. Your life?
railroad
25. Your mood?
Present
26. Your friends?
Sea
27. What are you thinking about right now?
Left
28. What are you doing at the moment?
Visa
29. Your summer?
Yes!
30. Your relationship status?
Paranoid
31. What is on your tv?
Black
32. When is the last time you laughed?
Moments
33. Last time you cried?
Musn’t
34. School?
Tuesday

Hmm. Interesting. I'm not really good at coming up with stuff on the spot. I usually I come up with a bunch of things and then I have to narrow it down to one. A lot of those things link in together. I'm sure they'd make more sense if I told you what I've been up to lately. But that would take all the fun out of it!

Hotseat!

2007-03-12T17:58:00.000-06:00

So I was playing hotseat with Annika the other day (You were right, whoever you were. I do talk about Annika a lot in my blog...). Then I started coming up with random questions like crazy throughout the week. I can't stop! Ahhhh!
Enjoy!

If you went a year without speaking, what would your first word be?
If you could ask the stars anything, what would it be?
If you were to personify justice, wisdom, beauty, love, truth, etc, which of your friends would be each?
What was the last question you asked yourself?
What’s your favorite memory that’s never happened (dream or otherwise…)?
What do your eyes say about you?
If you could watch any historical figure thinking for 5 minutes, who would it be?
What do you think people assume about you that isn’t true?
What is the most insightful thing you can say about me based on the questions I ask?
What food does purple make you think of? (And there I go. Rambling off. I gotta stop blogging while I'm hungry...)

The Brush of History

2007-03-07T00:54:00.000-07:00

"I saw the sun fall into the sea,
break the water and give birth to life"

I've had these two lines running through my head over and over again this week. I don't know why. Every time I try to make a poem out of them they build a house in my mind that is only big enough for the two of them. That's the way most of my thoughts have been lately...like they're someone else’s secrets that I have to keep to myself. Like Icarus’ wings. If they leave my mind they will melt and be worthless.

I feel like I've just entered a new season of my life. One that is so full of God's mysteries that I can't begin to know where to begin. I'm glad all these profound thoughts are back. I was beginning to think they didn't love me.

"The past is not truth. It is, after all, a new day."
-Something I thought of in a conversation with Dan

If you have a chance, do something that makes you feel history's brush sweep over you. Read scripture out loud on a Sunday afternoon. Listen to a Gregorian chant after you’ve first woken up and the birds have just begun to sing. Lie down in your backyard at midnight and stare into the infinity of space. And love people till you can’t stand the thought of fear.

"'Liking is very plesent and very cheap. Love is as rare as a star.'
'I thought stars were anything but rare, uncle.'
'That's because you never went out to find one for yourself...'"
-Uncle Cornelius, His Story (George MacDonald)

Social Constraints

2007-02-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, so from the number of random comments on the last post I can tell that it's definately time for a new one.
Thanks for those comments, they were hilarious!

Have you ever noticed how many social constraints you make up for yourself? I'm not even talking about advice that you hear that you decide to conform to. I'm talking about ideas that you've formed about the world and decide to let control the way you behave. I have a theory about humanity that we behave in a way that we believe we are expected to behave. We conform to our perception of who people label us as.
I was working the other day (and when I say working I mean waiting around for people to come into the store so that I could relieve my boredom) when a lady walked in with her baby in a stroller. The lady went off to find a few items while I watched her baby and waited at the counter. Now, I'm sure you've all seen babies before. They stare at you. Well, unless they start crying because they think you're scary. But this baby was just looking at me. Not leaning forward to get anything from me or moving around or anything. Just sitting and watching. And my first instinct was to look away because I feel like people will close themselves off if I impose myself upon them even the smallest bit. But then I realized...this baby doesn't care about social norms. It's the one looking at me and it's ok. So I decided to enter into her world of seeing. I looked back at her. And we just stayed there for minutes sharing a moment together. It was heavenly. She was a beautiful beautiful girl and very open, if you know what I mean. I love looking at people's faces because they are so intricate and powerful. I tried to explain the girls in my D.G. what I experience when I look at something I consider art by saying it is: "travelling down the path of movement of an image and soaking up all the emotion that comes from the story behind the colours" Longwinded I know. But that's what people's faces are to me. This little girl gave me the most precious gift anyone can give. The trust to be known and to reach out.

I wonder if the mother knows how precious that little girl is. I wish I'd found out her name...

It's Days Like This

2007-02-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a lighting crew. The movie of my life would be made up of a lot of high contrast lighting with beautiful cinematography and discontinuous editing. There would be close-ups of my face that would speak louder than words as it pans out to show the snow gently falling through the frost covered trees.
I wish people could read my facial expressions as easily as that. There really are a lot of things I wish I could talk to people about. Things that don’t even matter. I wish I could tell people that today I really wish I could walk through the snow and lie down in the middle of a playground and scream out a secret word. A word that only I know. The word of my life and why I do what I do.
I wish that people would ask me questions that I didn’t already have an answer to. Why did I ever construct this kind of pleasant detachment from people?

Angry and Messed

2007-01-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
Hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by

This is one time; well this is one time...
You can't fake it hard enough to please
everyone, or anyone at all
or anyone at all
The grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you built to flee
the places that you've come to fear the most
is the place that you have come to fear the most
- Dashboard Confessionals

I don't wanna hear it. Don't ask. I feel like the world owes me an apology.

CAPS LOCK!!!!

2007-01-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

YES! I AGREE WITH KATHLEEN! YOU CAN'T BEAT CAPS LOCK FOR EXCITEMENT PURPOSES! YOU KNOW WHO MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM WITH EXCITEMENT? THAT'S RIGHT! KATHLEEN!

BWAHAHA! HOW COOL IS KATHLEEN?
T...................H.......................I....................S.......................
C................................O.........................O.....................L!!!
I'M TOTALLY GONNA START SAYING, "WHOA BEAR!" AND GET REALLY EXCITED ABOUT MY CLASSES. WELL, I'M ALREADY PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT MY CLASSES.

OH ME GOODNESS! NOW I HAVE CRAVING TO BAKE A BLACK FOREST CAKE...WITH LIQUOR!!! BWAHAHA!

YOU SHOULD ALL CHECK OUT KATH'S BLOG (SEE THE SIDE PANEL FOR ADDRESS). OKAY KATH, I'VE BLOGGED ABOUT CAPSLOCKING. NOW YOU HAVE TO DO THAT BOYS 101 BLOG!

WORD OF THE DAY: EXCITE

Talking to myself.

2007-01-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been sooo long since I've updated this thing. Now I forget all the things I wanted to say.
Oh ya. Relationships are driving me crazy right now. Not a relationship, but relationships and everyone talking about them.
Ok, so background: In our Leaders Discipleship groups we are doing a study called "Fantasy". It's all about love, relationships and sex. Unfortunately for me, I am not really in a mood to talk about stereotypes. I'm also getting tired of hearing the same old, "Girls don't feel complete without a guy, it's a struggle we all share" thing. Because a funny thing happens when you hear that over and over again; you start to 1) Become annoyed with it and wish girls would just shut up and stop whining, and 2) Start to believe it. Now, I have never EVER thought that I am not complete if I don't have a boyfriend, yet I'm finding myself feeling really insecure lately and I'm not sure why. The only conclusion I can come to is that in everyone obsessing about relationships and putting emphasis on them (even if it's only to say that they aren't important), I'm picking up on that anxiety vibe and subconsciously believing some of it. Boo on my subconscious.
Or maybe I'm just hungry.

After These Messages, We'll Be Right Back

2007-01-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

And we're back!
Sorry everybody, I'm a terrible person for not blogging lately. It really sucks because I really want to blog, and I have really really good thoughts throughout the week. And then I forget. A lot. Yup. Ok, enough sobbing about how lazy I am, ON WITH THE BLOG ALREADY!!!
I love the Navs. And the Navs house, hehehe. I think that the Navs (esp. Annika and Lydia, I love you!!) are better at representing Christ-like love to one another than C4Cers are. Let me explain why. C4Cers are paranoid about guy/girl relationships. We are constantly "unintentionally" finding ourselves in segregated groups in converstaions. I actually intentionally make sure that I am talking with guys sometimes because it drives me nuts!!! And there is not much affection shown between girls and guys in C4C. Contrariwise (I just had to use this word!) I find myself kicking (affectionately) hugging and poking both guys and girls at the Navs house. And I haven't met most of them more than twice. So this post is in honour of them. To them! *clink*! I've been discovering how much touch is one of my love languages, and it's relieving to not worry about whether I am supposed to act a certain way or not. You guys rock!
I still love you C4Cers, and if you have any suggestions on how we can start being more like a family and less like a group of classmates let me know.
I've got to run! Zwing!

WINTER CONFERENCE!!!!!

2006-12-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

BWAHAHAHA!
I'MA BE THERE IN A FEW HOURS!! I HAVEN'T EVEN PACKED YET, BUT I'M SO EXCITED!!!
I wish I knew what time regirstration was. Amy and I can't seem to find out anywhere....
Oh well.
Merry Chirstmas and Happy New year to you all! :-*

Gobbledy Gook.

2006-12-19T00:08:00.000-07:00

This is not reader friendly. I ramble.

I'm writing this out of guilt. Guilt of not updating in so long. Guilt of having so much to say but no motivation to say it. It's like on Sunday when I woke up and didn't want to go to church. I felt peopled out. Not that I didn't want to see people, but I felt like I had to go out and be sociable because otherwise I'd feel crank and guilty. So I decided to not go, because I didn't want Satan to skew my motivation for going to church into a guilt motive.
Then realized that I was being silly. I needed to change the motive, not the action.
So I prayed that God would give me a heart for people.
And I went. I was glad. One sentence that stuck out to me from the sermon was when Arthur was talking about businessmen having way more money than they could ever used in life, while in the same city there are starving, uneducated and lonely people just scraping by.

"Surely that is as obscene as pornography."
-Arthur

I ended up spending most of my day with people. I think I'm becoming much more socially dependant than I used to be. Wendy asked me how much alone time I needed alone, to recharge from being with people. I think I said something like 50%. Now I feel like I'm going nuts if there's no one around to hang out with. Thinking about what I want for Christmas always takes me around in circles. I always come back to the same conclusion; I want to be with the people I love. I want to be with people in general.

I've started working at Claire's again for the Christmas rush and I'm amazed at how much fun it is now. I don't spend all my time wishing I was somewhere else. I'm actually good at what I do. And I adore constantly meeting people and being able to give them the best help I can. Whoa. What a rush. And I get paid for it!

I think I really miss being able to stay up "late" at night and write in this thing. I feel a lot more honest this way. I'm not trying to come up with clever ways of saying things, or editing my stories so that they flow nicely together. I feel like I'm actually being real instead of coming up with ways to portray myself.

I was looking at my GNST201 textbook the other day. It talked a lot about the difference between honesty and truth. These are my terms I use, not the ones in the book. This makes sense to me. There is a natural state of being and there is what comes across as relevant. When I ramble like this I feel like I'm being more honest, but I also feel like anyone reading this would have a poor sampling of who I am. When I stylize my writing, I feel like I'm being less honest, or natural, but that I'm being more true to myself. I think for the first time I understand what people are talking about when they say that everyone has different truths. And that these truths are not always True. I've noticed that I can be a terrible liar. Not big lies, but lies that make the truth more interesting. For example, when anyone asks me what the erasers are at Claire's I comment that someone should put a sign up because people always think they're candy and try to eat it. Now, this is not true. I've seen people treat it like they thought it might be candy, and I've seen people in utter confusion as to what it could possibly be. But my little lie portrays what I'm trying to say better than what is really true. My greatest lesson from GNST201 is this: fiction is often more true than reality. And fact is less than meaning. Or fact < meaning. Hehehe.
Coincidentally, I'm going to try to stop lying so much.
Lying is not part of my ideal role model. And my role model is myself. Therefore I cannot lie.
I always tell people that I've never found one person that I see living in my lifetime that I can entirely look up to. So I try to be that person myself. I think I drive myself nuts. But I am becoming more of a people person. That gives me hope. And what I mean by a people person is that I can be comfortable around most people. I used to be afraid of people.

Red Skelton (I think) chose an unattainable goal to place on his life, and worked his darndest to fulfill it. When I heard that I thought it was beautiful. He decided to try to become as good a sculptor as Michelangelo. I won't tell you what my goal is yet because it's rather hard to put into words. The simplest way to put it is that I want to be the Queen of relating to people. And that sounds lame. But who cares. That's all I'll say.

Before I'd even heard about Red's advice, I had decided something similar. A year or two ago, I decided to choose an adjective that gave me a sense of purpose and completeness and myselfness and work at viewing myself as the epitome of that word (by deserving that word, not just by changing my view of myself, but the viewing is part of becoming). I don't think people should tell each other their words because then they bring other thoughts and impressions into the word. Then it becomes less meaningful But I think that it has helped me become more of who God wants me to be. At least I hope so.

Oh, and have you ever noticed how houses at night look like Jack-O-Lanterns?

The Final Final!

2006-12-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

That worship night was awesome. Maybe I should "organize" another one. We have some very talented and effecient people in C4C, you know that?
Maybe I should stop blogging about things days after they've happened. But how would that help me procrastinate now?

If there is anyone else out there who wants to procrastinate too, I give you full permission. C'mon in, set a spell, take your shoes off. You could even write us a poem in the comment section. Or a prose. Or a picture. Yes, that's it, write us a picture.

........................................frosty
..........................the........................snow
...................man.......................................is
...............a.............._...................._..........fairy
............tale.........../..........................\..........they
..........say.................().................()..................He
..........was.....................................................made
...........of...........................\.../......................snow
............but............o............V.............o...........the
..............children.......oo.................oo.........know
.................how.................o.o.o....................he
.....................came...................................to
..............................life.....................one
..........................................day

Now let's see how the other students are doing...

Things. Many Things. Fun Things.

2006-12-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

I joined facebook. If you are a member of facebook and are in fact a normal non-stalker viewer of this blog, expect me to add you to my friends list soon. Or you could add me. That would be less trying-to-remember-everyone’s-last-name on my part.

And Karen and I were pranking people on my msn by letting her chat with them for a while. Without telling them she wasn’t me. The results were quite hysterical, she’s much wittier than I am. And I think she was still hyper off of the “where are my keys” craze.

I got 5 free hugs today. I didn’t have to pay a cent. And the people were carrying signs and everything. I wish I’d gotten a picture. I was very happy

I found out that You Tube has clips from a movie I loved as a child. It's called the last unicorn, and I absolutlely love the opening song. I distracted myslef with it while i worked on my GNST300 paper lastnight/this morning.

When the last breath of winter
O’re the flowers is icing
And you look to the north
And a pale moon is rising
When it seems like all is dying
And would leave the world to mourn
Look and see her
How she sparkles
It’s the last unicorn...

I’m gonna try to get a worship time started tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t have any art supplies yet though. But I have hundreds of song lyrics and chords thanks to Taryn. Hundreds….

I read something in Amy’s art book that said they did a “scientific” experiment where they got three people to pick a place and a time to meet up once they were dreaming. Apparently two people met and spent the rest of the time waiting for the third guy. The next day the third guy apologized for not showing up because he had forgotten to fix the time in his head before he went to sleep. I just though that was the funnest sounding thing I’ve read in a while (especially since I’ve been reading mostly textbooks). So Lydia and I are gonna try meeting tonight. We picked a really sweet spot to meet too. It should be a blast.

I dropped my film class. That was one of the most stress relieving things I’ve ever done. I’ve been feeling really convicted about it, cuz I’ve been griping about the content and the confusing theories for a while now.
Then the little voice in my head said, “then why are you taking it?”
And I said, “quiet, little voice! That’s a silly question. Film is my minor.”
Then I noticed my personalized background for my lappy, which happens to be a picture of my eye with a verse from Matthew that says, “your eye is the lamp of the body, if your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, you will be filled with darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness.” Wow, film class, why do they you to show such terrible films? Didn’t you hear the man? I’m full of darkness and it’s all your fault!! Then I actually went to my last class and got my paper back. The paper I spent days on, and I watched the film, like, 5 times. I got a C. Oooooooooooh, you’ve made me mad now, film class! That’s it! I’m not even gonna pay attention. I’m gonna check out my degree navigator. WHOA! If I drop film as my minor, I don’t even need this class! And I’ll be done university sooner! *evil grin*… “WITHDRAW!!!!”
No Film Final! Oh, the incredible freedom! And that C isn’t going to pull down my GPA!!! WHOOHOOOO!

Too too much stuff to keep one entertained.

Last D.G. tomorrow...for NOW! MWAHAHA!

Partake in the Partay.

2006-12-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

Awww! Now it's over. Waaaa.

Needless to say the Christmas Party was amazingly fun. I always get a kick out of seeing my everyday friends in non-everyday outfits. The guys in suits: classic. Some of the girls in dresses/skirts : so pretty. And glowy. Just to be clear, the guys were not glowy, they were hot. Or was that the girls? Nathan, what was our lingo?

One of my most favoritest things is seeing people enjoy their friendships with other people. Especially in a group setting where people get to dress up. And the food was pretty darn good too.

GLG dimension

2006-11-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

While I was walking around yesterday I suddenly realized that all the girls I was passing were absolutely beautiful. I wonder if it's my perception that's changed or if I was suddenly in a weird good-looking-girls dimension.

...and Lydia bit me.
Her laugh is dangerous. It's very sporadic and she kinda goes into convulsions, which is very dangerous when her mouth is open...

Wii Are the Champions

2006-11-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

Oh the sweet sweet victory of it all. If I could pick a theme for this week, it would be Triumph. Or Triumphalism (as my Coms prof would say).

Firstly I would like to thank God, my Creator, Saviour and Lord for loving me, even when I was at the bottom of the B-'s. I would also like to thank all my devoted brain cells for their support and inspiration. I could not have ever dreamed of being awarded these A+'s without them. And thank you for posting delightful engaging and distracting comments to nourish my sense of procrastination when I got too overwhelmed with the ridiculousness of what I was studying.

I gots two A+'s on my midterms for GNST300 and COMS335. That just tickles me pink.

And for any of you who doubted for a moment, my D.G. most certainly won the Dessert Night contest for our festive "Gingerbread house of the wise man that was built on the solid foundation of "salvation (of Jesus Christ)-in-a-pan". And, to my surprise and delight, there were six girls from my D.G. there to support our entry. It was quite the time. So was our D.G. the next day when Brian awarded us the spoils of our victory by serving us dessert while wearing a suit. I think that combination of light pink and (dare I guess) green tie and shirt should be dubbed the "serving the Bamboozlers" outfit. That's twice in the last two weeks. He's on a roll. Don't worry Brian, we will return the favour your D.G. gave us the week before. And thank you again.

Amy's choir recital was also on Friday. It was a sumptuous time. I am completely and fully in love with classic Christmas music (but most certainly not with Santa Claus songs or the infamous Hippo song). The music was, and is, always uplifting and inspiring. I'm listening to Handles "Messiah" as I write this. I'm very proud of Amy, she did splendidly. The seven dollars for admission was a steal for such a rich and fun performance.

Then, after the recital, some of us went to Taryns for a Wii party. Yes, he has one. Lucky huh? We tried out pretty much all the sports and Taryn showed the girls (not the guys cuz they didn't want it spoiled for when they have their own they can love and cherish) some of the new Zelda too. I had a barrel full of fun. I think everyone did. And I like winning.

"Taryyyyn! The girls are better at this than we are!!"
-A.T.

Hehehe.

...Think Differently

2006-11-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

Coms and Culture finally has a Student Lounge!!! Lydia and I went to the grand opening yesterday. My signature will forever be a permanent fixture of the banner in the lounge. I'm famous!

Oh and yesterday I also figured out that I told Amy that Lydia had told me that Amy had told her that I had told Amy that Lydia had taught me how to say "wot wot" in a fun British way.

Every Communityator's Dream

2006-11-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

Do we have the coolest guys in C4C or what? Many many thanks to Andrew and Brian for serving us Bamboozlers sparkling grape (or was it apple?) juice with a crazy big platter of crackers and cheese and meat slices. That was the sweetest thing ever! I was seriously totally oblivious about this surprise despite Andrew asking me if I thought champagne was cool and if we were meeting in the Crazy Zen room again. And seeing Brian put on a tie. You'd think I would have thought something was up.
Andrew, was it your whole D.G. or just you and Brian who got this together? You do realize we're gonna have to bless-prank you guys back!

And not only that, my girls are getting really pumped about doing stuff together! Both outreachness and hang-outness. I, for one, am really looking forward to our carolling escapade! I couldn't ask for a better group of talented, charming, wise, gorgeous, funny, motivated women!

And then there was singing for worship, and hanging out at Amanda's pizza place. Such a good day. For those of you who don't know Amanda, she is the sweetest person you will ever, or could ever, meet! Every time I tell people about her everyone around me starts nodding their heads like crazy. Everyone loves her (especially the guys I suspect. She's also one of the prettiest girls I've ever met). I was heartbroken when I found out she wasn't gonna be in my D.G. again this year, but then I was really really happy because I found out that she was co-leading one! Praise God!
Anywho, Amanda can't come out to Impact cuz she works on Fridays at her family's pizza place. So I thought it's be cool if we went out for dinner there after the meeting was over. Even though we got the address wrong (there was a lot of phoning back and forth. Problem solving is community building!) we eventually all got there. It turned out to be the best social I think we've ever had! Five of the guys ordered the house special: a ten pound pizza. The layer of meat on that thing was thicker than most of my textbooks!
Eventually we took over the place, cuz the other customers finished their food and left, so...we had a party! Amanda started bringing out free wings and drinks and Steve went nuts with the jukebox. At one point in the evening we started a conga line. Apparently the employees were in the back watching us from the security camera and laughing.

"These people make me happy!"
- One of the guys who works at Vern's Pizza

Then afterwards some of us went to Andrea's place and watched some Stargate.

It was one of those days I'll be telling my grandkids and my supporters about!

I Am Woman! Hear me Faint!

2006-11-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

Found out some interesting facts about the way women were viewed through history...

1) We are ovens! Baby's are like bread.
2) We carry original sin in our blood.
3) We faint because the womb is trying to strangle us...hysteria literally means womb fever.
4) We are more connected to the spiritual. Menstruation was seen as connected to the phases of the moon.
5) Up until the World Wars rape wasn't considered a crime punishable by law.
6) Prostitutes were allowed to speak to the Senate in Ancient Rome, but married women weren't because it was considered unfitting for a lady.
7) We are misshapen males.
8) In today's society it's more likely that a woman will be killed by her partner than by a stranger.

These struck me as really funny and sad and interesting. Thought I'd share.

Unto Me, From Sleep, Floweth Poison

2006-11-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

So I've found the solution to all my problems. You know how I've told some of you that I've been having a really hard time getting up in the mornings? Well!...
Sleep problematic, ergo, remedy: don't sleep. Hahaha, it's brilliant, and everything is funny (especially saying things like "ergo" apparently).

Um, I had a film paper due today. At about 2 in the morning I realized I had gone about writing it all wrong. I redid it. I finished at 7am. I sentences ain't coherantleynesses. Ooh, but guess what? My Flesch-Kincaid writing level...12.0. Oh ya! (It's like my new toy. Thanks Jonny. And again I've proven how easily amused I am. "Oooh look! The word 'look'"!

Storytelling again: then I fell asleep for an hour or so. And sure enough, I was in a bitter bitter mood when I woke up. Waking up is hazardous to my me. I honestly feel sorry for my future husband.

This post has 164 words including this sentence.

The Big Picture

2006-11-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

Hey look! It's a big picture!

I thought I'd share this picture with you all. It's one of my older pieces (I actually designed it for a KevinMax contest where the picture had to have the title "Wonder Room 101"...later the contest disappeared and he came out with a cd called "Raven Song 101". Go figure). It's still one of my favorites though...

Lately I've been seeing things through a different lens. I had the best sharing experience on Friday with Val (I bumped into a friend of mine I hadn't seen since high school and her two friends joined the conversation later on. The tone of the conversation was amazing, like being mesmerized by truth. That's the best way I can explain it). And on Saturday I went to my cousin's wedding (first wedding on my mom's side of the family).
"If you're going to be retarded you might at least be invited!"
-My observation of a group of wedding crashers

At this wedding I bumped into a second cousin I didn't even know I had and he apparently just became a Christian four months ago! Yesterday I went to my friend from GNST300 birthday party...now this may not seem like much, but I've been praying that the conversations that we've had in GNST would impact her and that she would know that I'm truly interested in her welfare. Well it turns out that I was one of the only people invited to the party...whoa. And a week or so I ran into my friend from high school and got to talk to him for 15 minutes or so and it suddenly struck me very painfully that he didn’t know God. All the things he was telling me about his life were futile because they wouldn't last.

In my dream last night I was in a supermarket (in a future world where being Christian was illegal) and I started talking to a couple of people who were dissing Jesus. When I told them I was Christian they started blushing horribly and told me that they would have to call the police. As the police were taking me away to shoot me I saw the buildings at university blowing up. Suddenly I was with everyone at C4C saying goodbye. They said that the destruction of the university was a sign of the end times. Then they said goodbye, told me to be strong, and encouraged me to keep fighting. I actually woke up with tears in my eyes.

As I came home from the birthday party last night I took a detour and parked the car on Nose Hill to watch the city lights. Someone miles away was connected to me through those lights. We could both see the same light at the same time. That blew my mind.

Insert Enthusiastic Ad Here

2006-11-12T01:01:00.000-07:00

WW----------------------WW
_W----------------------W_

__W--------------- ---W__
___W----------------W___
____W------W------W____
_____W----W-W----W_____
______W-W----W-W______
_______W-------W_______

---CCCCCCC
--CC -------------C
--C-------------------C
-C----------------------
C-----------------------
C-----------------------
-C----------------------
--C--------------------C
--CC--------------C
--CCCCCCC

!
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!

2006.
Calgary.

(Did I mention I'm in charge of recruiting for Winter Conference?)

!?!?!$$$!?!?!!

2006-11-09T23:04:00.000-07:00

............., .........! uh, wha....haha......... < :-D
Wow! This is so, wow, mysterious, and, ooh, exciting! WHO ARE YOU????????? That's not fair! I even tried to figure out where it came from based on the canada post time stamp. All I figured out is that it was (probably) sent from Calgary...but who knows??
Whoever you are......I love you!!!! That's the best surprize I've ever had! I'm still laughing my head off. But it's so not fair (who could this possibly be from?)!!!
But seriously, who just sent me money through the mail without leaving any tracable handwritting or return address?? And why? If you've out there reading this, please please please let me know who you are, it's driving me crazy! PLEASE!!!!!

I've Never Believed In

2006-11-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

“I’ve got the company car, I’m the one swinging at two below par. Ya, I’ve become one with the ones that I’ve never believed in. But I’ve got the company car.”
-Switchfoot

You know what? I’ve realized that the modern comforts and amenities of our new World society don’t really have to do with personal choice. I always thought that was what people always went for…you know: variety and convenience. It hit me just a few minutes ago that it’s about control. Controlling your environment. I-Pods block out noise you can’t control and present you with a predictable and controllable sound blanket. Transit schedules, microwavable dinners, and personal yoga instructors = power struggle (I was gonna just write out “ leads to” but I thought Jonny would appreciate the math reference).

It’s like everyone is trying so hard to be like everyone else simply for the sake of not rocking their own boat. “If I’m like other people I won’t have to explain myself and I’ll have more time to get on with planning my pie charts and one night stands.”
All people really want is some kind of glory shining out from somewhere inside the confines of their existence.

If I study well, do well in school, control my marks and sound like I have something worth saying, how long will it be before I start believing this crap? I feel like screaming, “Check it out! I can spin patheticly complicated explanations of the patheticness of your pathetic film!”
Seriously, film critics are homophobic, liberal, try-hard pornoholics. I actually suggested to Karen that I create my own film theory called “The Try-Hard theory” or “The Zoe theory” or something. How about “Being-Smug” or B.S. for short? Oh, and coincidentally, I’ve never seen nudity used well in films or plays. It’s always used for it’s shock value, not to complete the message of the film.

“You are the centre of your own private little constellation
And you are the jury and judge of every little deconstructed fable
And you like the way it is You don't want to question it
You're the wonder of God's own handiwork”
-KevinMax

I think our society is addicted to ourselves and we’re constantly O.D.ing. That’s why there are so many suicides.

Dominoes in the Snows.

2006-11-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

The crows nose blows away the prose and sews together the dominoes in the snows.

See Steve? Randomness. It's not hard to blog.

Do You?

2006-10-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel the need to put aside emotion and distraction to be real? True? Do you ever feel like the only way to feel is to ignore your feelings? Do you ever contemplate leaving everyone behind and simply sitting on a hill and staring at the horizon all day? Do you know what the important thoughts are when you think them? Do you?Do you ever look out from behind your eyes and marvel at the obedience of your body to your desires? Do you ever see your story spilled out in front of you and behind you? Does it stretch to the horizon? How will you know all these things when they slither out of your memory when you’re not looking? Why is it that anything that really matters has to be so serious? Is that one of the important thoughts?

Henna for Ev'ybody!

2006-10-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

"You rock my sox and my feet and my legs"
-Lydia and Annika and my monotone discription of how cool we think each other are.

"Hey now! Hey, now...don't dream it's over!"
- Me. I never noticed how much I say, "hey now!" till now.

"Jesus: Liar, Lunitic or Looker..."
- Karen, during a discussion about what reasons people might have followed Jesus.

"No, I don't care! Chug your sugar!"
- Annika

"I don't think anyone is that smart!"
-Val, commenting on the cleaverness of Jesus fulfilling prophesies, like, being born of a virgin.

"Agriculture Canada is definately gonna come looking for us!"
- The last line of the funniest country song I've ever heard, called, "Truck Got Stuck"

Such a full weekend. I think Friday makes me an official party hopper. Impact to Jenny's house to the Catholic communitys costume party to the Navs houseparty to Tracy's party. Man, was it fun!
I also found out some valuable pieces of information along my journey:
1) Prada is ridiculously expensive,
2) the guy who's trying to worm his way into my life is none other than the "Christian-girl-stalker" I was warned about last year who's already gone after my sister and some other C4c girls ,
3) My mom's good-friend's son is involved in Navs and is teaching Annika and Lydia to Salsa,
4) Salsa is pretty much the most impressive dance you'll ever see,
5) I get really competitive when it comes to Dutch Blitz and Fooseball.
6) I get extremely hyper and silly off of "Rockets" , the candy.

And then Saturday Annika and Lydia and I hung out for a kinda of exclusive, belated birthday party for me. Ethiopian food, eating sugar packets and waving at C-Train drivers, henna for both hands and hair, Veggie Tales, hanging out with the silly Navs people. What a good day. Then we had follow-up training at Carly's house and talked about issues surrounding Jesus till about 11:30.

I'm extremely grateful that I'm the age I am. Think of all the stuff I'd miss out on if I was old and cranky, or really young and afraid of new people. Honestly, if I could get a job where my resposibilities were meeting new people I'd be the happiest person alive (notice I said "alive"). Hey, isn't that what Mindy and Wendy do? Maybe I should run out and join staff...

The Beginning.

2006-10-26T18:19:00.000-06:00

"Because we know there is something terribly wrong and terribly right with us..."
- Incredibly profound sentence from Annika's prayer at the end of our discipling time.

"Our citizenship of heaven starts now. We are living in the first glimpse of eternity, but it is our decision whether we want to continue that citizenship or not."
- My GNST300 Prof, Margo.

"Why am I asking you these things Zoe?"
-Wendy near the end of our first discipling time.

Not that I'm complaining, but...why? Who am I to see such favour from God that he trusts me with the mysteries of the universe? It's a whole new level of God's glory that I've hardly ever experienced: Being saturated in truth. Everywhere I go I see God opening a new window of my mind. I now have some grasp on why it's so good for us to put God as our priority.

Annika and I will be accountability partners for going to 8am prayer for Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from now on. And we will continue memorizing scripture together. I'm so glad I've finally gotten to this point. Praise God. Something great is beginning. I can feel it.

I Kissed Hobbes in the Third Grade.

2006-10-25T15:03:00.000-06:00

Who's your favorite cartoon character?

Lately everyone has been talking about Calvin and Hobbes comics and the silliness therein. Example: When it snows we are totally gonna recreate some of the best Calvin snowmen (My favorite is the "Snowman House of Horrors"). I voted that after Impact one week we should have a game of Calvinball. And in any conversation, if you wanna sound deep, use a quote from Calvin like, "I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul."

Oh and I found some names of C&H characters in Swedish. Check it out:
Calvin and Hobbes: Kalle och Hobbe
Susie: Sussi
Spaceman Spiff: Rymdmannen Spiff
Rosalyn: Rigmor
Moe: Olle
Stupendous Man: Häpnadsmannen
G.R.O.S.S.: B.L.A.S.T (Bort (med) Larviga Asdumma Slemmiga Tjejer)

Oh, and I didn't really kiss Hobbes in the third grade. I just wish I did.

I'm really curious who would save the world from impending doom the fastest: Stupendous Man, Sonic the Hedgehog, The old 60's Batman, or Macgyver.
I'm sure there must be other awesome crimefighters I'm forgetting... (and please, nobody say Chuck Norris!)

Oh, and for any of you who are slightly confused about how to view these comics...Hobbes is not a figment of Calvin's imagination, he's totally real!

You've been Bamboozled!!!

2006-10-23T13:39:00.000-06:00

Hint: If you are ever leading a D.G. the first thing you need to use your creative powers on is a funky name for the group. It builds a sense of unity and purpose. Plus, if it's a good enough name, people will get a kick out of just saying it. Last year it was The Nomads (we always had our D.G. in different places). This year Lydia was the one to bring to my attention that, "hey, don't you think we should have some sort of awesome name for our group?" I agreed that since our group was in fact so awesome, we should have an awesome name.

"Hey, what about, THE BAMBOOZLERS!!!!"
-Lydia

ROFLx10

Whehehehe! What an awesome name! We can bamboozle the Enemy out of his wits! I quickly agreed and suggested that our D.G.'s logo should be some bamboo. We never had a logo last year...we also never had OUR VERY OWN BLOG!!!!
Okay, I'm really pumped about the fact that this year we're gonna have a multiple user blog for my D.G. to stay in contact throughout the week. Pretty soon we'll have all the girls added as users.

I cannot tell you how enamoured with my new group this year. I have a lot of the same girls as last year, but the new members are getting along famously. I love the sound of overlapping laughing and talking as we let each other know how our week has been while we stuff our faces with baked goods. And the jokes. Oh the jokes. They're so Goulame. I think they make me feel Goulazy. Maybe I'll Goulay down. So...uh...Lydia's nickname is Goulet. Somehow I ended up with two nicknames: Clanky and Charles. I'll answer to either.

And Adam and Steve thought they'd have a more awesome D.G. than Lydia and I. As if!

Sidenote: I won't be getting the tattoo just yet. It's too much of an issue for my parents and I wouldn't remember the tattoo for all the symbolism I put into it, I'd just remember my Mom's anger. I just hope that I can get my $50 deposit back since they aren't open Sunday's and Mondays and I had to leave a message on the answering machine saying I can't make it.

The Brick Testament

2006-10-19T09:46:00.000-06:00

I'm living in my lego house
I'm sitting in my lego chair
I'm watching my lego tv
In my lego underwear
And is it ever lumpy!
-Lego song by Al Simmons

Check out the Brick Testament here

Oh, I Beg Your Pardon! I Didn't See You There.

2006-10-18T19:42:00.000-06:00

Oh God. Where have I missplaced you this time? I wish those lights would stop smirking at me. There really should be more to this empty room than the sound of my absence. I'm easy to mock. I wish I could give myself a good talking to, but somehow I wouldn't know what to say.

We talked about Christianity in my GNST300 tutorial today. It went fabulously. God sees the heart motives of all things. What a heavy lesson to relearn in a classroom. How far I am from the answers. I wish I could remember how to be humble.

Very Modern With Your Narrow Shoulders

2006-10-17T11:41:00.002-06:00

Ontario is so pretty. What with their red brick buildings with ivy growing up the sides. Very stylish.
Well well. What an excellent weekend. Simply lovely I say.
I would like to say an especially big thank you to Leah for driving me around everywhere, Kathleen for letting me bunk out at her place and steal her toothpaste, and Shelly for all of the above.

I feel much more like myself since coming back from this trip. It was very refreshing seeing everyone again. Everyone has such passion and hospitality and faith and energy. I miss that. Here’s a very point form version of my weekend (too much happened to write about all of it)

Day 1:
Leah drove me to Mac
We ate lunch
We met Lacey and we talked about philosophy and God and the future.
We met Christa
Amanda Wong walked up and started talking to Christa and did a double-take when she saw me (hehehe)
Shelly was supposed to show up with Dan at 4 but didn’t and Christa, Lacey and Leah all had to go so Amanda took me on a tour of the campus and bought me dinner.
We went to the Mac Weekly Meeting.There I saw Nick, Dave R., Anton, and Shelly and Dan finally showed up.
Dave R, Christa, Shelly, Dan and I went out for dinner and went back to Dave’s place to pray for each other.
Shelly drove Dan and I back to Waterloo and I met up with Kathleen and Cheryl
Kathleen and Cheryl and I had an awesome sleepover

Day 2:
We all slept in
We got up at 11 and made pancakes
Sometime after 12 we headed over to Nate’s place…he wasn’t home
We went to Waterloo park and around campus
While in the middle of a prayer walk on Campus all three of us heard Nate’s laugh behind us. Surprize!
We went back to Nate’s place
We went back to Kathleen’s for dinner and figured out rides to Shelly’s
Leah came by with the car and dropped me off at Nate’s while she drove Kathleen and Cheryl to the bus station and picked up Natalie
Leah pick Nate and I up
We picked up Dan
We arrived at Shelly’s party where I saw Russ, Pri, Katrina, Hanna, Ben J., and Becky
I stayed at Shelly’s and we got to talk over old times

Day3:
Shelly took me to breakfast at an awesome breakfast place and we had a kind of discipling time.
We drove back to her place just as Leah and Nate arrived
The four of us went for coffee
Leah and Nate and I went to York and somehow found Matt’s dorm room. The look on his face when he saw us there was priceless. We hung out for a couple hours.
We drove to the CN Tower and Leah waited while Nate and I jumped out and ran over to the base and looked up.
We drove to Kristen’s place and had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner with her family
We drove back to Waterloo
I hung out with Nate and one of his housemates for a while
We went back to Kathleen’s and I slept very soundly.

Day 4:
Slept in again…
Kathleen walked me to campus and we went to Dan’s room.
Dan bought me lunch and we got to reminisce.
Leah picked me up and drove me to the airport.
I flew to Winnipeg, Regina, and finally Calgary with a very hyper and funny crew.

I don’t think I realized how much I missed everyone till I saw them again. And I also didn’t realized how drained I can be with meeting new people in big doses. Well, there goes my career as an international diplomat.

I’m very inspired to pursue God harder than I have been lately. Everyone was so busy but they still made time for me, and they continually make time for God. A couple of questions that popped into my head this weekend were, “What things did I used to admire about myself that I’ve lost?” and, “What things do I admire in other people that aren’t actually that great?” Hmm… I’ve been very selfish in my life. Always trying to improve myself. I’ll bet that there are a ton of things that God was trying to tell me over the weekend, but I was too focused on what I thought he was trying to tell me to notice.

I wanted you
I followed you
And I’m leaving everything I ever knew
You fell for me
You believed me
Please believe me
Please believe me

Stop, you know I need you
The moment I see that tear run down your face
My disgrace is in your eyes (I'm trying, (he's trying))
To stop, you know I mean to
There will be no faking
No more of my charades
I know I'm giving up
The imposter in me
-“Imposter” by Kmax

Happy Belated Birthday to Erin, Shelly and Matt, and happy future birthday to Dave T and Alison!!!

Annika Is Awesome!!!!

2006-10-12T21:55:00.000-06:00

Annika is, like, the coolest of the cool! And she rocks my fashion world. I'm so proud of her :)
This week I had two discipling times with Annika. RE-FRESH-ING! I'm so glad I have someone I can totally relate to in life. I'm the one who's supposed to be discipling her, but in all honesty it's extremely therapeutic to talk to her and she's an awesome woman of God to begin with. It's more like co-discipleship.
"Introducing the Epiphany hour, starring: The Breath of Focus!!!"
NOMADS RULE!!! ESPECIALLY POTBELLIED ONES!!!

Ah, I just had to share Annika's coolness with you all.

Aaaaaaaaand...I'm pretty much all packed for my Ontario trip. Getting kinda nervous to tell ya the truth. This has been in the works for so long now, and there are so many details people have worked out. My parents are really stressed about it. And I just found out that West Jet doesn't offer free meals...even for my flight back that has 2 stop-overs.

I'll let you all know how it went when I get back.

20

2006-10-09T00:01:00.000-06:00

Perhaps the most memorable thing I'll ever say will be this sentence.

19

2006-10-08T23:20:00.000-06:00

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who say there are two kinds of people, and those who know better.

Between Birthdays

2006-10-07T20:43:00.000-06:00

(Candid comments about birthdays and the frustration of my parents way of dealing with my decisions).

Consider this first part censored. I'm pretty upset right now. But that's not the point.

My D.G. is growing like a weed! CARAZY! I just got off the phone with one girl who's come to us via College of the Rockies. So now the D.G. consists of Me, Lydia, Annika, Tracy, Brittany, Andrea, Megan, Jocilyn and Courtney. And two other girls who either haven't found the study or might be joining another study. Wheee!

Impact was interesting this week cuz I was "in charge". Do you know how lazy I can get sometimes? I basically lended Schmendrick, my lappy, to the tech team. Then I gave the emcee the papers she needed to start. I'm slipping.

Have you ever had fried pickles? Apperantly Big T's sells them regularly. After Impact we were going to play sardines in Mac Hall, but then Carly's house opened up for a pizza/movie night with the U-Church people. Oddly, we didn't just go to her house (also known as the 'watermelon house', if you saw it you'd know why), we went to Big T's for dinner first. Actually, Lydia and Jonathon and Mitch and I went to Mitch's room first, then Lydia went home (stuff to do apparently) and the two guys and I went to Jonathons place, then we went to Big T's. Can anyone spell roundabout? Oh, and if you are ever looking for a big platter of meat, just order the Elvis special. Even the eight at our table couldn't finish it (and I was the only girl). What an interesting dinner. Then we headed to the movie night.

I love meeting new people. The party was full of them, especially since some of the C4C people are still fairly new. I don't need a birthday party. Friday was awesome enough to cover that stressful "necessity". It doesn't have to be all about me in order for it to be fun. In fact, the fact that it wasn't a b-day party made it much less stressful on my part. No need to act a certain way or do certain things. Honestly Mom, why are you so insistent on having a family party for me when you don't even care if it's what I want or not? And maybe I just can't think of what I want for presents! Why can't you just help pay for my Ontario trip? That's more meaningful to me than a bunch of junk you want to buy for me!

Maybe I'll switch my birthday to April Fools Day. Where do I go to get that done? My guess would be to look beside the name changing shop.

Sometimes the Morning Came Too Soon

2006-10-04T21:18:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted a blog that was actually written late at night. Like I've said many times, it seems to be the best time to put the world in a different perspective. I've come to a point where I feel extremely voyeuristic of life. And myself. Like a first person out of body experience.

I said before that before I died I wanted a great painter to paint my portrait. There are many reasons why I said this instead of other things I could have easily come up with, like, "I want to make a million friends". I've found out recently (again) that I'm not so good at this whole friend thing. I'm amazing at making new friends, it's one of my gifts. But I'm always trying to balance my time between too many people, and I never let anyone know exactly how I'm feeling. And I don't look up to anyone. I can't remember a time when I did. I admire parts of people, but there isn't any one person I would want to style my life after (except Jesus of course, but I wasn’t around to see the details of that life). That's why I've decided to try my best to live as my own role model. That's why I'm so reluctant to get close to people, I try to see people for what they are instead of idealizing them. I try to call things by their true names. I don't trust people.

So...the reason a portrait is so important to me is because it would mean that I would have achieved a certain amount of respect and honour to that painter (a person who would have met a great deal of "great souled" people in his/her time). I wouldn't want to just find some random artist who's pretty good and pay him/her to paint me. I would want to be asked to be painted because the painter could see something in me noble enough to immortalize in a traditional custom. A custom that would link me to the great women of the past thousand years. Paintings capture the emotion of the artist, not just what is seen by the naked eye. I'm always striving to find out who I am; explore more of my potential. That's one reason I've never been afraid of having my picture taken, I can learn so much of myself just by how the photographer decides to capture my image. And I love giving my image to people for them to enjoy, whether that means it makes them laugh, smile, or think more deeply about life. I love adding to the mystery of humanity as seen through art. And I want desperately to rise above all this eating and breathing to become something real. I want so much to become a vessel of God's light, so much so that it pours out of the cracks in my skin. I want to not be as weak as I am.

"You wouldn't understand, cowboy. You've never seen an angel, nor a gentlewoman......nor a great lady."
-Hatfield from "Stagecoach"

That's one reason having a photo shoot with Karen was such a great honour and joy for me. She is extremely talented, I can't say enough about her potential and promise. She cares about what she does. This shoot wasn't just because she had nothing better to do. She pours a great deal of herself into her projects.

But looking (again) at the pictures she took, I'm feeling very separate. It doesn't even seem like I'm looking at myself. And I feel very lonely. I don't know why. Suddenly I have an overwhelming dread that I'll forever be seen as so perfect in other peoples eyes that I'll be the only one, save God alone, who can see the mess of imperfections that's inside me. I'm not even sure why I'm feeling like this. I think I'm very tired, in more ways than one. I don't know how to describe it other than saying that I feel, shaky. And under attack. Antagonized.

Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
you could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came to soon
Sometimes the day could be so hard
There was so much work left to do
but so much you'd already done

Oh God, you are my god. And I will ever praise you (x2)
I will seek you in the morning
and I will learn to walk in your ways
and step by step you'll lead me
and I will follow you all of my days
- Sometimes by Step

184 Photos

2006-10-02T10:05:00.000-06:00

Whoa. First off I must say that the photo shoot with Karen was absolutely delightful. Her artistic sense is incredible. And as for creativity, whew! I love her use of the blank canvas...it's just too bad that there wasn't time to use her typewriter and retro board games as props too. I could totally dig the organic feel she was going for, and she really stretched me to try a style I usually would never consider. You can all check out pics from the shoot here
It was crazy cuz I had decided to meet Karen at 4 for the shoot just after shooting some (very hyperly bazaar) scenes for our Winter Con video, and I was all like, "Ah, sorry Karen, I'll get these eyelashes off as fast as I can. I'm sorry I'm late." But she decided to just use the "notorious international spy" eyelashes I already had on and forget about touching up my make-up. It actually brought a really cool raw sense to the pictures. But those eyelashes totally changed the shape of my eyes...oh well...all for art I guess :)

"It's a good idea to be hot."
-Steve N.

Secondly I must draw your attention to an awesome short film made by our very own Matthew Hughes. Check out the story of Merv here

Thirdly I must confess that I'm exhausted at his point. Summit was sooo sooo fun. The speaker was amazing. The zipline was amazing. The food was amazing. But I feel overwhelmed by all that I've been learning over the last week. There's so much to remember. And so much to do.

I realized I need to talk to my parents more about my tattoo (appointment is set for October 24th at the Smilin' Buddah at noon, $75). It doesn't sit well with me that they're still worried about it. I'm also reporting a story for NUTV about the new prayer space. I only just figured out that I'll be focusing specifically on the bias of the rest of campus against spirituality and the contradiction the prayer room brings to the campus. Lord help me do this well so that questions will be raised in the minds of students and the university alike. Oi. I'm also trying to plan my D.G. and my birthday party (both here and in Ontario). It looks like I'll be flying out on Friday the 13th of October and arriving at about 12:30.

I've gotta start figuring out my schedule better...

Fourthly, before I forget, here are some highlights of Summit:
- The speaker's awesome sense of humour and storytelling
- Playing with Shawn's kids. (being harassed by Landon and his "Chainsaw")
- Nathan and Mike pranking the girls by tying all our doors shut early Sunday morning.
- zipping down the zipline!
- Worshipping to the music of the "Summit Punks"
- Filming random scenes for "It's a spy movie"
- Finally getting to do the photo shoot with Karen
- playing the cup game I learned on project with the U of A kids
- watching the northern lights after midnight while everyone is falling over with giggles.
- The food!
- Planning our campus strategy to totally rock the campus cup the Winter Con

"Whoa, this gun comes with eyelashes!"
-Amy

"What, are you racist?"

2006-09-27T17:38:00.000-06:00

Going to the clubs office is like a crash course on how to confuse people.

Karen: I wish I had a little sister so I could threaten guys who talk to her. I’ve always wanted to use the line, “If you screw with my little sister, physical pain is the least of your worries.”
Me: You could pretend I'm your sister. Just say that randomly the next time any guy talks to me.
(5 minutes later, Ben walks in)
Me: Hey Ben
Ben: Hey Zoë
Karen: Ben, if you screw with my little sister, physical pain is the least of your worries!
Ben: Wha? Um, why…(pointing to Lydia) is this your sister?
Me: What, are you racist?

If anyone uses that line on you, just say "yes".

Love Is Silly

2006-09-26T13:27:00.000-06:00

I'm sick of being serious about relationship stuff. I wanna make fun of it again. Here are some of my favorite quotes about why love is silly.

"Now it isn't that I don't like you, Susan, because, after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you, but - well, there haven't been any quiet moments."
-David Huxley in “Bringing up Baby”

Meg Brockie: I'm highly attracted to you. Why, when I look at you I feel wee tadpoles jumping in my spine.
Jeff Douglas: That's about as repulsive an idea as I've heard in years!
- Brigadoon

Bess: Tell me, when you look at him do you get a kind of prickly feeling, like goosey pimples running all up and down your spine?
Maid Marion: (smiling) Well…
Bess: Ah, then there’s not a doubt of it!
Maid Marion: a doubt of what?
Robin Hood: (entering from the shadows) That you’re in love.

Don Lockwood: What's the matter with that girl? Can't she take a gentle hint?
Cosmo Brown: Well haven't ya heard? She's irresistible. She told me so herself.
- Singing In the Rain

Peppermint Patty: You know what I don’t understand Chuck? I don’t understand love!
Charlie Brown: Who does? I could recommend a book or a painting or a song or a poem…but I can’t explain love.
Peppermint Patty: Try Chuck! Try to explain love!
Charlie Brown: Well, lets say I happen to see this cute girl walk by, and...
Peppermint Patty: Why does she have to be cute!? Can’t you fall in love with someone who isn’t cute; who has freckles and a big nose!? Explain that Chuck!
Charlie Brown: Alright, say I see this girl walk by who has this great big nose and…
Peppermint Patty: I didn’t say “a great big nose” chuck!

“…She wore a tighter skirt than any I had seen in college.
She said, ‘I love to smoke and drink while cursing like a sailor.’
I asked her where she got her mouth and if she had a tailor.
Finally I walked her to the door to say ‘good night.’
She said, ‘I am an apple, would you care to take a bite?’
Politely I refused and said, ‘I’m lookin’ for a lady.’
So she slapped me in my face and said, ‘Boy you must be crazy!’”
-DC Talk

"well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
maybe I'll master this art form someday"
-“Trying” by Lifehouse

“As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.”
- Wizard of Oz

Rhett Butler: Did you ever think of marrying just for fun?
Scarlett: Marriage, fun? Fiddle-dee-dee. Fun for men you mean.
Rhett Butler: I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands.

Ah, now I feel better! Working through the ins and outs of relationships melts your brain. I think it causes cancer too :)

Chapstick and Chapped Lips

2006-09-23T22:19:00.000-06:00

Questions. Lots more questions.

1) What do you all think of the "flirt to convert" theory? Anyone? It works really well. At least, it works well to get Christian guys to step up. I can't say whether it works well to get a guy to look into Christianity. Wasn't it Michael Horner who joined C4C because there was a really cute girl there?
I flirt a lot sometimes. It's partially natural. It's only lately that I have been able to come to terms with the fact that I'm naturally flamboyant and flirty. With everyone. I always felt caged in when I felt like I had to watch everything I said or did. But the flirting is also partially because I feel like it's my responsibility to give some positive encouragement to guys in particular. Or am I just giving false motivations? False hopes? Manipulating? Everyone manipulates. In Coms we call it "feed forward". Acting in a way as to get a certain reaction. Everyone does this. Everyone. So, is flirting (in a cautious way) just an extension of that? Remember, coming to prayer will make you popular with the ladies...

And I seem to remember someone bringing up "pulling a Ruth." That was more than just your conventional flirting though. But that's a different story altogether isn't it?

2) And why is it that guys seem to get over relationships so fast? Is it just a front? All the guys I've talked to say that rejection is the thing that scares them most. However, once it's over with they seem to take the attitude of, "Oh well. At least I learned something from that. Now, who's next?" It makes me wonder what was so special about the girl in the first place if it's so easy to turn affections on someone else...

3) "The good guy can be like the great restaurant that only locals know about."
-Sam's Blog

*chuckle*. I think that's true on some levels Sam. I'd hate to think of myself falling for any guy just because "he's so shiny". But like I mentioned before, (don't ask me where, I've lost track) one of the things I'm looking for in a guy is leadership. That should come out naturally without having to look for it. And, yes, every guys is a leader to some degree. But I need a guy who can lead me specifically. I'm pretty scary sometimes (hence my reason for quoting Christa's PMS theory ;-). I need to know a guy will be able to stand up for me and know how to deal with my many problems effectively. Effectively I say! Prayer is great. Being able to fulfill that prayer is gold.

4) Is it just me, or are more Christian girls wearing really low cut tops? I try my best not to wear anything "below reproach". However, even the most conservative t-shirt may still be a problem if you bend the wrong way. Oog. It's like the puzzle you can never solve. And what about make-up? I personally make no apologies for the fact that I use make-up. I find it relaxing to experiment with how I look, especially my face. It makes me chuckle when my dad tells me that he would have never dated a girl who wore make-up (subtle, isn't he? :-). Honestly, if I really wanted to attract guys by the way I look I would probably stop using the make-up I wear. Not to say that my make-up is ugly...but I like variety in the way I look, and sometimes my make-up is far from natural looking. On the other hand I sometimes feel like not wearing any make-up; so I don't. But what about all those girls you see who wear make-up because they don't think they're already beautiful? I sometimes wonder if my choice pressures other girls into trying hard to be something they're not. Something they hate.

5) There's still that question of chivalry. I'm still all for it. And I'm certainly more aware of it now. Especially the motivation behind it. I think motivation is the issue that needs to be addressed for everything. Even the best actions can be ruined if the motivation is sour.

So, ya, that was basically me babbling. I hope I made sense for all of it. I'm sure you'll let me know if I didn't ;)

Positive Prayer Propaganda

2006-09-21T16:18:00.000-06:00

I had to share these quotes I came up with for reasons why everyone can come to prayer:
For all you math people:
Coffee > Sleep
Jesus > Sleep
Jesus > Coffee
Whoa, Jesus must be rockin’ awesome to be better than coffee!!!!

For all you medical people:
Prayer has been proven to not cause cancer or rabies or the bubonic plague. Prayer is good for you. It’s full of vitamins…. and lot’s of other stuff.

For all you personal development people:
Laughing is a two step process:
1) Come to 8am prayer
2) Laugh

For all you English people:
Poems are like prayer.
People eloquencing each other
Awesome is like prayer

For all you Communications people:
You Rock! You know what else rocks? Prayer. Ergo, Prayer and Coms peeps go together! Trust me, I know.

For all you art people:
Using Tercy as your inspiration will get you an A++

For all you Engineering people:
Skipping your 8am classes to come to prayer will make you popular with the ladies.

For all you Business people:
I’ll give you each a penny if you come to prayer.
A nickel?
…How about a dime?

For all you music people:
“Beethoven would come to 8am prayer if he was a cool university student instead of a dead composer.”

For all you philosophy/religious studies people:
Prayer = Truth.
Yay, truth!
How refreshing, not to mention appealing!

For all you science people:Um…Prayer…disproves Darwinism……….okay I got nothing.
------------------

That's all I came up with. If I missed a student group I'm sorry.

Anyone wanna help with the promo video for prayer?

Call for Comments

2006-09-20T09:25:00.000-06:00

The relationship issues from the"And Things Like Chemistry" post is now my main focus again. Many thanks to Karen for opening up the discussion again on her blog and to Nathan for getting so into the posting scene. I'd love to hear more peoples opinions on this. I know you're out there reading this stuff. My blog counter tells me so. So please please please don't feel awkward about dropping a note on what you think. I find you all fascinating.

Before I forget them I'll write down some other things my mind has been trying to bloggify:
1)Truth and beauty: the connection between the ancient Egyptian myth that beauty brought you higher spiritual alignment and the Hollywoodized myth that beauty is the cultural imperative that brings you to a higher alignment with happiness and power.

2)The scriptural support that true wisdom comes from guarding your tongue and keeping your ears open
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
-Proverbs 12:18

3)Community. What is it? How do we know when we've reached it? How important is hanging out? How important is working together? How important is accountability? Vulnerability? Can perfect community exist, or will there all be cliques? Are cliques a bad thing? Etc, etc, and so on and so forth.

4) Film! Getting some cool ideas. Mostly crazy ones.

So when I get overwhelmed with relationship info again I'll probably start blogging about these things.

Truth and Lies

2006-09-18T23:00:00.000-06:00

"Good judgement only comes with experience. Experience only comes with bad judgement."
-excerpt from "Winners Never Cheat", a required "textbook" for GNST300

"Always speak the truth. Then leave quickly afterwards"
-Old proverb used in Shane's "Truth and Lies" talk

Today AT showed me what the Engineers day planner has to say about "artsies". It says we are studying nothing in particular. That may be true for some people. I'm learning how to be a leader. How to be effective and respected. How to deal with life. I'm learning about life.

Amy said that today at Worship at the U the question of introduction was, "What is one thing you want to do before you die." I was in my film lab watching Vertigo, so I didn't get a chance to answer.
I want a highly talented artist to paint my portrait.
I think I'll explain why in another post some day.

Musings on Ageing

2006-09-16T13:24:00.000-06:00

Mad Hatter: Now statistics prove, prove that you’ve ooooone birthday
March Hare: That’s just one birthday every year!
Mad Hatter: Ah, but you have 364 uuuunbirthdays!
March Hare: Precisely why we’re gathered here to cheer!

My Mom this morning as I groggily come out to talk to Andrea on the phone about making an appointment for getting tattoo’s today: Oh Zoë, I’m so concerned for youuuu! I’m worried about your birthday…

What pops into my head at this point: Birthdays are a lethal substance. They are addictive and when taken in large dosages may cause death.
I crack myself up…

“Impact cures cancer”
-My whispered coaching to Trevor for our weekly meeting promo video.

“You should jump off a bridge every day. It builds courage, skills and immunity to death by falling. Start off with a small bridge and work your way up from there.”
-A guy talking to his girlfriend on the C-train

Actually my mom wants to get the house cleaned up to have people over to my house for my birthday. Cool! I haven’t had a for-real-with-the-big-group-of-friends-over-at-my-house birthday party in years! As in, like, maybe a decade…maybe longer. I should be very thankful on my thanksgiving birthday.

Last year I went bowling. Some people showed up for that. It was still nice.
But what do I do about going to Ontario? I’m still at a loss to what should be done about it.

If you listen to "Happy Birthday" played backwards it sounds kinda creepy and morbid...

The Christmas of the Soul

2006-09-14T09:46:00.000-06:00

"Whom angels greet with anthems sweet, while shepherds watch are keeping"

Rain makes everything run and flow together. Especially the light. Look to the north and you will see a river of golden light. A river of stars. Many are disheartened by the rain. In light of the recent shooting in Montreal the rain seems almost like the tears of God. But it brings an unspeakable quiet and calm. A hush from the hubbub of strained existence. The rain brought me amazing renewal today. It cleansed me of my frustration and anxiety with the events that life has offered me of late. As I entered the Dalhousie C-train shelter I heard music that sang of the beauty of the day. The busker today was a harpist. He was playing "What Child Is This" in hauntingly sweet tones. For the first time I wanted to donate my money and ears to "that man playing for money", but the train came and swept me away.
I love bringing joy. Amy and I prayed the first day that prayer would be a place of joy and encouragement. I'm delighted that God has allowed me to contribute to that. I was filled with such uncanny energy and joy today (God can use tools in our lives...like coffee). The prayer meetings are not solemn and religious as we feared they might be. God has set apart the mornings for humour and freedom. It's fuelled our prayers tenfold.

"God thank you for Zoë's eyes and the joy that pours out of them"
-Amy's giggled prayer after I'd blurted out some comment that left people in hysterics

The prayers today were focused on individuals. When Wendy and Amy started praying for me there was more than just joy pouring out of my eyes. I never said what I needed prayer for, they just knew somehow. I didn't realize how much pain I've been shouldering lately. How much fear.
Wendy prayed for courage and strength and continued wisdom in sharing my life and joy with other people. (All my classes are participation based this semester. Three of them deal with provocative, controversial and disturbing content. Especially my Film class. I don't know if people realize how lewd the Film program is at the U of C. Very very graphic and uncensored in language, violence and sex. It was hard enough to deal with last year, and it's going to be worse this year. I can't just give in to my exhaustion, somehow I need to give my opinion on the inappropriateness and bad quality of such films.)

"And if you have a problem with graphic content...well...Come see me and I will tell you, 'I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.' It's part of the course. You should be mature enough to deal with these things."
My Film Prof in his first-class-of-the-term speech.

Amy prayed for similar strengths in character and interaction. But she specifically prayed for wisdom and courage in my relationships. (There are at least 5 guys I know of who like me right now. And I need to have the discernment to deal with each of them appropriately. Amy knows what a strain this has been to me, especially recently.)

"Zoë is patient, Zoë is kind. She does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. She is not rude, she is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. Zoë does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
-1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, replacing "love" with "Zoë". The Bible: the only reliable guide for living and navigating through relationships. Amen!

So many prayers have been answered.
1) We're getting more men for the ministry.
2) People are showing up for prayer and it's effective and fulfilling.
3) There's amazing cooperation developing not only between the leaders of C4C, but all the Christian clubs on campus.
4) Community is rockin' the scene.
5) I may be able to lead some of the same girls from my D.G. last year.
6) I haven't given into despair or depression
7) U of C is finally offering Film as a major starting next fall!!!!

"Are you filled with the spirit of coolness?"
-Dan referring to the benefits of prayer

It's Lindsey's Birthday today. "You know what that means kids! It's time for...birthday today!" And there was much rejoicing/partying/dancing/bowling! I just hope I'm not going to get too physically tired from all this festivity. Getting up at 6:30 really sucks sometimes ;)

"This is the most beautiful day of my life..."
-Methuselah from The Redwall TV Series the day before he dies

Just For Rosie

2006-09-12T20:14:00.000-06:00

Here is the long awaited Blue hair pic. One of the only blue hair pics I have. I had to alter it a bit to get the colouring right...

"It's Bucket'O'Nothing! Amaze your friends! Surprize your family! Annoy perfect strangers! It's absolutely nothing. FREE! For only $9999.99!"
-Mike the TV

I had my first GNST300 and COMS335 classes back to back today. A lot of participation in these classes. And a lot of pushing your buttons just to get you to think about why you believe what you believe. The General Studies course is designed specifically to make you question things. It can either be the best class of your life, or the most hellish class. Depending on your prof I'm assuming. Or who you talk to I guess. The Coms one is about mass media in Canada. It's really interesting actually. And for our labs we will be split into debate teams and present one debate on one of the weekly topics. I hope I get the Film one. Both classes have very well spoken and liberal profs. I expect they both took drama at one point. They both have the attitude of "I'm gonna do my thing and I don't care what you think." Cool. I hope I can handle it.
I'm trying like mad to plan my trip to Ontario. It's going to be very pricey. Happy birthday self.

"Isn't it great? it's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!"
-Emperor Kuzco

"It's been a lousy year for birthdays..."
-the King in Jim Henson's "Hey Cinderella"

Here it is, 10:00 and I feel like I've gotten nothing done again! Except chat with people like Ben (again, it seems I'm always chatting with him), Eddie, Jonny, and Matt. But this is good. I need to be better at staying in contact better. My story for Courtney is coming along nicely...

I'm off to be productive! The wonderful product of Oz...um, this sounded better in my head...

Oog...

2006-09-12T09:34:00.000-06:00

So tired.
8am prayer.
Joined N.U.T.V. (new university television)
Finally met up with a girl named Sonia. She's really cool. I have to grab a copy of "Mere Christianity" and start reading.
Started reading "The Lord of the Rings again"
Did you know that wisdom is like honey and a crushed spirit is like dry bones? Lots of honey and bones references in Proverbs...
Finally checked my Hotmail account and realized I miss out on a lot of updates...
Starting the C4C table today
Missed my CPSC 203 course yesterday. Haven't had any classes yet
Been appointed as Impact coordinator sidekick/Zoe the Communityator/skit and video coordinator (a.k.a. "Spice" to Andrea's "Cinnamon")
I've decided to get some coffee despite the cost. I'm not functioning yet...

The X

2006-09-09T23:10:00.000-06:00

It's very Interesting to be part of such an artsy family. It seems like everyone's always got something facinating they're working on. I'm hoping to go to the National Gallery of Canada in Ottawa next month and see the exibit by my cousin Mark. But more currently I’m very proud of my cousin Shane for getting his Bre-X project together for Artcity (an art festival that takes place in Olympic Plaza). He even got on the news! How lovely. His project is called Entrepreneurial Spirit. It consists of an X resembling the X for the Bre-X sign (I’d never heard of Bre-X until Shane told me about it. Apperantly lots and lots of people know it as the biggest scandal in the oil industry ever) and a huge photograph of the three Bre-X exectutives. Also, the project includes a huge picture of an Olympic gold medal winner. The concept is that Bre-X and The ’88 Olympics were both founded in Calgary, and they were both seen as the biggest/best of they’re kind. Shane’s a really interesting guy. I think he inspired me to look more closely at things and not be afraid to ask awkward questions. I’m glad he got this Project off the ground alright, he’s been working on it for well over a year. I’ll hopefully be able to see it in person within the next few days, and maybe catch up on some old times with Shane.

And Things Like Chemistry...

2006-09-07T17:16:00.000-06:00

Calvin: What's it like to fall in love?
Hobbes:Well. Say the object of your affection walks by...
Calvin: Yeah?
Hobbes: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
Calvin:That's love?!?
Hobbes:Medically speaking.
Calvin:Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!

Here it is folks. My compilation of relationship related rants.

me: Any comments or questions or advice about relationships for my blog?
Taryn: Have them!

Okay this is going to be very long because I’ve found that the topic of guy-girl relationships is too vast for me to coherently share all my thoughts. I have too many of them. So I’m simply going to quote some conversations I’ve been having lately that I deem worthy to be shared. I’m also going to try to answer a lot of the questions people have been asking me lately, and since most of those people have been guys this blog will mostly be focused on what a mature and Godly man looks like in relationship to women. Inbetween I will throw in some thoughts and comments of my own. These comments will be italicized.

Warning: This blog will jump around a lot! Consider yourselves warned! Okay, here we go...

Colonel Pikering: Excuse the straight question, Higgins. Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?
Professor Higgins: have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
Colonel Pikering: Yes. Quite frequently.
Professor Higgins: Well, I haven't. I find that the moment I let a woman make friends with me, she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a confound nuisance. I find that the moment I let myself make friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain so.
-Pygmalion

“Actually, I’m astonished that there are actually any Godly men out there! I used to think there weren’t, that the standard was too high, but now I know there are and it makes me all the more grateful”
-Amy

Question: What do men look for in women? It seems that women have higher standards for men than vice versa. Or maybe men just don’t talk about it as much…

“But would you actually want any woman that that line worked on? I would think she’d have to be pretty desperate.”
-Me after Evan and Jodde came up with a really lousy pick-up line

“I think God gave women PMS so we never believe that we are perfect. It magnifies our insecurities and weaknesses.”
- Christa explaining that no woman can be “perfect” we all act psychotic sometimes.

It’s important to women that men see beyond all that messiness though.

me: You're catching on to that whole make women feel special thing aren't you?
10 points!
Ben: well...I always knew how
I just thought it'd be awkward or something

It’s hard to balance between being encouraging and appropriate, and the results of failed attempts to express admiration often backfire, so I think too many people lean towards just give up altogether. That makes me sad. We need to build each other up in Christ as much as possible.

Ben: what do you think it means to "fight" for a woman, in a modern context or whatever?

It’s hard to explain. My original answer for myself is to protect me from my depression: that’s why asking me how I’m doing is so important.

Ben: I don't know...it just seems so cliche sometimes
me: I'm not talking about a sentence, I'm talking about an attitude
I need to know that people care about how I'm doing
it doesn't have to be the phase "how are you doing"
I need people to dig into my life and ask questions about myself

And then I said that displaying leadership is crucial because a good leader inspires others to grow and lets people see their own value. But a lot of it is attitude and therefore very hard to explain, so I will use my good friend as an example of manliness.
I would like to honour Taryn for his dedication to living out a strong and God centred life. Besides, I just have to brag about what a cool guy Taryn is. He has been a perfect big brother to me.

“Zoë, if I think any man is unworthy of you he’d better watch out for me!”
- Taryn, being an awesome big brother and giving a perfect example of fighting for women in the modern age. Not just protecting me physically, but emotionally as well.

Me: A strong leader is a huge thing I’m looking for in a guy. It’s really frustrating because sometimes I feel like if I don’t take the lead in relationships, nothing will get done.
Taryn: That’s just WRONG! Oog! It bugs me so much when guys don’t take the lead. It’s our responsibility as the head of a family. I mean; we’re the ones responsible before God! *grunting, growling and arm waving* Aag! It really really bugs me!
(Taryn is here displaying the importance of guys not being passive in relationships and taking their responsibilities seriously.)

Taryn: How is Zoe?
Me: Well, lotsa stuff going on. I’m pretty busy.
Taryn: No no no. How are you doing?
(Taryn and I can get off on some pretty silly tangents, but there are times where he sets that aside and focuses on me. My life, my opinions and my well-being. He’s there to pray for me and give me advice, and sometimes just to listen. I can talk to him about serious things if I need to, but I don’t feel obligated to. At the same time, I can talk to him about silly or unimportant things, but I don’t feel obligated to.)

Some people find it weird that Taryn is getting married. Why? Cuz he’s able to be silly? Taryn is ready. And I can’t explain all the ways that he has had to grow to get to this point, but he has put growth and discovery in God as a priority and that’s why he’s where he’s at.

It’s very important to women that men are willing to improve themselves

“Zoë, What are three things I need to work on as a guy?”
-Dan R. demonstrating this point

It's not good enough to want to change. Demonstrating maturity is also key.

More of Taryns awesomeness (i.e.things Taryn did for Lyndsay before he proposed)
- Got the relationship rolling in the first place
- Visited her and put effort into getting to know her better
- brought her up in a lot of conversations, but not to the point where people were sick of hearing it (you talk about the things you love, but you also have to continue growing in other areas at the same time)
-Talked with her! Including about the progression of the relationship (he knew that she wanted to get married before he asked her, he didn’t assume)
-Asked her father’s permission (scary!)
-Took her to all the places they went on meaningful dates/had special moments together (shows that she is special. He remembers those moments, which means he was putting her as a priority way back then as well as now)
- Used his imagination as well as his bank account to buy the ring and make the moment special (It shouldn’t be all about money, but where your money is there your heart will be also)
-Recited a poem he wrote years ago about his future wife and bought a bunch of white roses for her (Just so cool! And sweet)

And this awesomeness is shown just as awesomely in a friend relationship in such a way as to not be awkward

me: Why do you think it's not possible to do all the things I listed as things guys should do for women?
Ben: it's possible...it's just dangerous
me: Dangerous in what way?
Ben: high probability of leading people on unintentionally
me: that's why it's your job as the man to make the relationship clear
that's a lot of what Shelly's blog was about
Ben: what dya mean? like just every girl you know, you have to be like "you know we're just friends, right?"?
me: no
make sure that you are not acting in a way that probably will be misinterpreted
it's not your fault if she misinterprets acts of kindness as something more

…however, communication is very important…

"Long distance relationships really aren't that hard at first as long as you are communicating but if things start getting serious you should really think about moving to the same city."-Andrea

“Zoë, the best thing you can do for us guys is to be very clear about where you are coming from. Don’t assume we know things; we can be pretty dense sometimes. Clarify!”
-Steve Chan giving me some sage advice that many men agree with: women should be less confusing

"I've learned that men get very confused when they feel that what a woman says and what she does don't match up."
-Carolyn explaining a similar point

“ *said with carefully folded hands* relationships are like icebergs, 90% of them are hidden…how was that?”
-Dad doing his best to say something deep for the sake of my blog.

Andrew: i think it is. i just find people arent use to bluntness or straightforwardness... they are more used to the games that get played... just dancing around the issue without confrontation

Ben: it's not like they're gonna go out with you just because you talk to them
me: this is not a lesson plan on how to get a girl to go out with you!

Ben: What do you even mean by pursuing?
me: Pursuing: we as women need you as men to do things to get to know us better and make us notice you
you need to lead
pursuing is…Getting involved and putting emphasis on

Andrew: yeah
shes my priority
oh, and the whole romance thing.....
me: ya?
Andrew: its real zoe... it just takes time... and its not always huge... sometimes it grows on you

Pursuing also means becoming interdependent with

“I’ve been so far so long, and all I needed was the thought of losing you to teach me what fear is!”
-Fearnot from “the storyteller” series; the man who didn’t know how to be afraid. Thought: Anything worth fighting for will involve risk and pain and effort

“But perfect love casts out fear”
-1 John 4:18

Armond St. Just: It grieves me to see her so unhappy, to know that you have ceased to love her.
Sir Percy: Ceased? I shall love her till the day I die. That is the tragedy.
-The Scarlet Pimpernel
Thought: I'm beginning to believe that it really is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all

Another thought: romance is very important and sacred.

“I’ve prayed that God would only give me eyes for the woman I will spend my life with”
-Steve Chan just being the cool guy that he is. Women need to know that we are special, that we are loved for who we are, not what we are.

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
-Song of Songs 2:7

Question: What does this mean exactly? Does it mean "patience" or does it mean "caution"? Or does it mean something completely different?

I would love to hear even more thoughts on this stuff. Keep talking to me about it! I’m far from any real conclusions, but this process of searching for understanding has certainly given me insight.

It seems like this is one of those issues, like religion or politics, that everyone has an opinion on...

p.s. "Ben Felts is the most pathetic excuse for a human being the world has or will ever see"

Thanks for letting me use your quotes Ben, and not getting your lawyers after me for saying slanderous things about you ;)

Pray for Courtney!

2006-09-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

Just to start things out I’m giving the call for prayer warriors to lift up our sweet sister Courtney. I just finished an awesome phone conversation with her and despite the fact that she’s trying her best to trust God with the future I could hear a difference in her voice. Courtney’s not doing well at all. She's getting hit by the Enemy really hard and needs prayer! Please pray that God will be able to give her joy and trust to see how she fits into God’s plan for her life and that she would be surrounded by a group of strong Christians who will encourage her. And if you have a spare moment give her a call or email to let her know she’s loved.

Getting pumped for Fish Frosh at the good old u of sea. I’m signed up to man the table tomorrow and Friday. Going to the leadership retreat at the VI Training Centre was awesome for casting the vision and getting people excited about this year. I certainly am! My job this year will be D.G. leader, discipler, weekly meeting helper (I was head greeter last year, we’ll see what Andrea gives me to do this year. Maybe “Zoë the Communityator!!! Oh ya! Check out all my majesty!”), and prayer team attendee. There are a ton of other things I want to help with, but I don’t want to bog myself down so that I can do any of my jobs well. I also want to join N.U.T.V. (university television) and influence the film community. This year will be one of those times you look back and say, “those were the good old days” as you lose your teeth in your soup for the second time.

The retreat itself was too short. Nothing that fun should be that short. Although I don’t know how many mornings I could stand of Brian serenading us awake with his Latin American guitar while singing, “Wake up all you lovely little people! Come out of your little rooms! Rise and shiYIYIYIIIIne!” until it got annoying. But I could play with that bouncy ball for hours! Especially since the training centre has something like 7 levels to run around in. Derek and I tried climbing through a window on the very bottom floor that comes out right under the stairs in the main conference area, but it was locked again this year. Sigh, maybe next year…
If you wanna see pics of the retreat I suggest going to Karen's flicker page.
Karen is one of those masters of photography. Half the time you don't even know she's taking a picture of you! Which is another thing I'm looking forward to; she's gonna have a photo shoot for practicing her photography skills. I told her I'm so totally there! *sigh*, I love dressing up...

During one of the sessions we were given a break to fill out our campus vision and year goals sheet. As I was praying about it and asking God where the heck my direction should be I flipped open my bible just started reading:

“The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person. Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hands find to do, for God is with you.”
1 Samuel 10: 6&7

…
Whoa.
I…God you…um
Oh wow.

“And you will be changed into a different person.” God has changed me so much over the past decade. YOU HAVE NO IDEA!. But he wants more for me. Hehehehehehe! That’s one of the main things Calgary Project taught me: God wants more for me. He wants me to live an adventure. I asked for a direction and God told me “do whatever your hands find to do, for God is with you.” Whahahat!? *more giddy giggling* Oh, uh, okay… God, you rock my sox!!!!!

I was thinking the other day and I really want to get away to somewhere outside of human reach for some alone/complete dependence time with God. I don’t believe that I’ve ever been any farther away from people than a mile or so: close enough that if I yelled they might hear me. During the retreat I got an image in my head of someone searching for God, but not because they didn’t know him, but because they knew he would come for them. The image was of someone walking through a desert in the distance with a line of footprints behind them. You can see their hands raised to their mouth as they call for their Father. From far away you could barely hear them calling, “Go(oooooo)d!” as the wind swept their words away. I wish I could draw deserts. Maybe I should try.

O God, you are my God,
Earnestly I seek you;
My soul thirsts for you
My body longs for you,
In a dry and weary land
Where there is no water
-Psalm 63:1

I think Courtney's feeling like she's in that dry and weary land. So again: pray for Courtney! Bless her sox off everyone!

Can't Think of a Title

2006-09-03T12:55:00.000-06:00

Suddenly everyone is complimenting me on my hair instead of my skull. It's kinda refreashing.
Oh, I only have an hour before I have to leave for the Leadership Retreat. So I'm just updating to let you know that yes I am going to post a longer version of the guy-girl rant from last Wednesday. In said post I will be addressing the questions some people (mostly guys) have been asking me and clarifying myself better. So look forward to that after I get back from retreating.
Also, before I forget, I'm really excited because Andrew is gonna teach me to fight with his broad swords this year. Heh heh heh. Notice the emphasis I put on improving myself and my skills. Like swordfighting skills and numchuck skills...

I'm also trying to figure out a way to work out every day so that I actually do it instead of whining about how tired I am. Maybe if I get some other people to do it with me I'll feel guilty if I whine. I hear Wendy runs...

Blog Counter

2006-08-30T23:35:00.000-06:00

Yay I finally added a counter! And there was much rejoicing!

How To Be Girly

2006-08-30T21:40:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to figure out exactly what I want this blog to be about since I've got quite a few themes running through my head.
1) Lessons I've learned about being cultured and feminine and having good manners
2) Nananana nananana nananana nananana BATMAN!
3) Relationships. You all should read Shelly's blog. And "Captivating". Very insightful.
4) My dream last night...believe you me it was a strange one.

So. Um. I guess I'll give each one a section

1)
"No miss LaMante, rrrround tones, rrrround tones. 'Pierre you shouldn't have come.'"
-Singing in the Rain

Guidelines for living if you are a woman:
Always apply eyeliner from the outside in
If you are a "winter" don't wear warm colours
Only ever wear two of the three: necklace, earrings, bracelets.
Stir your tea clockwise, and never leave your spoon in the cup
Pass food to the right
Use eating utensils from the outside in
Hold a wine glass at the stem
Look people in the eye when they are talking
Think before you speak, especially in delicate/awkward/tense situations
Don’t monopolize conversations, ask how others are doing
Walk in a way as to balance a book on your head if there was indeed a book on your head

Say excuse me after you burp, unless you are in a Middle Eastern country
Let men open doors for you or hold your chair for you or be chivalrous in general.
Thank men when they are chivalrous and smile cutely at them (Make sure this is not a seductive smile. See "figure A").
Cover your mouth when you cough or yawn or sneeze or are shocked and appalled
Clap with your hand curled in an aesthetically pleasing way
Never trade sandals with an Ancient Peruvian man
Only faint if you know you will look picturesque while unconscious
Only wear clothes made from flowy fabrics

Due to circumstances beyond my control "figure A" was never captured on film from the Pioneer Ranch Camp retreat. Apologies.

2)
Mom's been recording all the 60's Batman episodes we have on tape onto DVD. I wish I could accurately express my deep love for this show. I think I'll just share some of my favorite moments with you.

"Zapowee!" (with a tongue wiggling in the "o")

Generic Woman: I don't understand it at all. It must be very profound.
Art Museum Curator: Notice the large green blob...

"This plant is nibbling on my ear Batman!"
-Robin

Batman: Quick Robin, to the Batmobile!
Robin: Op. Uh, where are we going Batman?
Batman: ... Hmm, yes, where?

Woman Police Officer: Then add a little paprika and simmer over a low flame for fifteen minutes.
Lady villain #1: Don't forget the bay leaves.
Lady villain #2: And a peppercorn or two
Woman Police Officer: Thank you, thank you! I hadn't thought of bay leaves. Yes.

"Catwoman...you are not a nice person!"
-Robin

Riddler's Henchman: Wanna piece of cheese?
King Boris: Not without a good vintage port you lackey!

King Tut: Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt
Henchman: Why don't you go on a diet fatty?
King Tut: Why don't you go on a diet fatty, why don't you mind your own skinny business!

Shame: We're gonna get there, and we're gonna get there...........
Calamity Jan: Early.
Shame: Early!

"Oh, ouch Batman that...smarts."
-Riddler

The time when:
Batman and Bruce Wayne are having a conversation over the red phone and the normal phone.
Batman got out of a Siamese human knot by wiggling his ears and getting Robyn to bend the fourth digit of his left hand
Joker tried to rule the world by winning a surfing competition
Penguin tried to rule the world by winning a horse race
Louis the Lilac tried to rule the world by cornering the flower market
The police couldn't get through a doorway because there was an inflated cape in their way.

3)
"I wouldn't want to date MacGyver. He's smart and bold and sensitive and funny, but he never commits. I mean, every episode he bumps into another old girlfriend! Now Zorro, that's different!"
-Amy

Shells has been dealing with the idea of dating in her blog. I cheer her on. Why doesn't everyone put the same emphasis on relationships? Too many people don't think and just jump into relationships like needy brainless ditzs. There's a lot to be said for "doing it properly" because it will mean a lot less baggage later in life.

Shells mentioned that only a few guys she's spoken to said they would pursue a girl they liked even if she was intimidating. How discouraging and disappointing. I don't want guys pursuing me because they think I'll say "yes", I want them to pursue me because I'm worth it; despite the scariness of possible rejection. How did the guys in our society become so passive? Although reading "Captivating" is very good it also makes me realize my own frustration with men in general. I think a lot of men don't realize the need we as women have to be appreciated properly. Even if you don't like us "in that way" it is nice to have confirmation of our worth, e.g. asking about our lives (and caring about the answer), giving us things you think we might like, complimenting us on something you truly admire about us, being chivalrous (you’ll get a cute smile from me), etc.
Now men, always remember, I love you to bits. But you make my head hurt. And it makes me sad when you don't do your part.

I guess you could say
I'm a little afraid
What if you go away
I've seen it before
I've been here before
If I have to love myself
Tell me how to love myself
What's there to love about myself?
I just wanna see
That as a person you want me
But I'm feeling the pain
Of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
-Sixpence None the Richer

Side note: This frustration does not apply to everyone. Taryn, Andrew, Simeon, thanks for all you've done to encourage me! You know how to do your part in making us girls feel special :)

4)
Oh great. Now I can't remember that much of my dream. There was one good part where the villain’s big black moustache and beard got transformed into a different shape. In anger he cried,
"They've turned my beard into a butterfly! They'll never get away with this! No one makes a mockery of me!" But since he was tapped on a crowded bus he couldn’t really get proper revenge.
Dave R. and Shelly were in a bouncy castle in my dream too. And I think Dan ran up with a couple of kids from India. And Dave Tsui and Kathleen were on a hang-glider style skyride. It was a very Project focused.

I need to stop writing and play Hero's Quest now. All day my Mom and Amy've been asking me if I'm playing yet and wanting to see what happens next.

Can't nobody say Zoë never did nothin' for the peoples.

Little Life Lessons

2006-08-27T16:00:00.000-06:00

“You can’t be optimistic when you’ve got a misty optic!”
-Some glasses ad that Tony used to illustrate the importance of keeping a clear vision of God

God is in the small things. I feel almost guilty to have so much of God’s attention right now. My answer when people ask how I’m doing has been, “I’m doing really really well! Extremely well! Isn’t life fantastic? I’ve got the joy joy joy joy…”. Then I ramble away till I just stand there grinning like an idiot. It’s one of those times when acting how you’re feeling causes people to seriously question your sanity. Hehehehehe! During church today I looked up during worship and saw a spiders web hanging from the rafters. How beautiful! Mind you I didn’t see the spider, so seemed more like a work of art than a sinister death trap for flies. Ug. Come to think of it webs are quite morbid…But what glory in such a small thing! I’ve been discovering more and more that many of my friends experience God best through nature. I don’t think I ever took time to talk to people like Kathleen or Carolyn before about their need to be away from synthesised splendour. I always just assumed that I couldn’t experience God fully outside because the bugs and dirt are such a distraction. Winter has always been my favourite time of year for seeing the beauty of God because of the stillness and crisp focus on beauty. The snow covers the earth and makes everything a purified version of itself. White. Purity. Like a garden of diamond statues dancing in stillness to a rhythm you can’t quite hear. Yes, nature is very good. But I experience God more through man-made (not “human-made”, I hate political correctness! Some day we won’t be able to say anything without offending someone. “Lemonade? There’s more in that drink than just lemon! We should call it Sugar-water-lemon-preservativeade!” but I digress…) art. For me it is more meaningful because it is human interpretation of the wonders of God and they contain symbolism for both the artist and the interpreter to discover. Many lessons can be extracted from soaking in the majesty of the simplest of representations of God’s majesty. I woke up at 3pm yesterday (what a shock to the system when I looked at the clock) because I stayed up till 5am working on my tattoo design. I’ve packed so much meaning into this one tiny thing. And then I showed it to Amy the next morning, no wait…I mean afternoon, and she was like, “um, it doesn’t look quite right…” Whew. What a job to style a permanent mark for your body! It can’t just look good. It has to look perfect and match the contours of your body. So Amy and I worked on it for another hour or so and this is what we came up with :

The sun will be almost centred on the inside ankle of my right foot. It took me forever to design a sun that Amy said "matches the style of the ship". And this way I've got a compass/cross thing goin' on for the sun.

Well. It took me a really long time just to upload that picture (as Ben can attest to) so I think I'm gonna go play a game with my family.

One last thought: When you miss someone and are worried about their welfare you should rejoice! You have a chance to bless them through prayer. And someone is watching out for them who cares a great deal more than you do. Pray in such a way that you expect to hear God's answer.

"The difficult we will do now, the impossible will take a little longer..."
-Trevor's Grandpa

It Has Begun

2006-08-25T15:04:00.000-06:00

Hey guess what? I’m not allowed to fry anything in our kitchen anymore. Know why? Because I didn’t want to hear my Mother’s sage advice on the technique of frying eggs. Life for her is one big object lesson, and if I don’t want to hear the lesson I don’t get to live life. I’m remembering just exactly why it is I despise living at home so much. It’s like living in Wonderland. Only this isn’t the happy cooky animated wonderland. Oh no! This is a place where I have no idea what the rules are or where the boundaries are because they are constantly changing. So it’s a good assumption that I’m just not allowed to do anything at all and if I do I will get in trouble for it. Is it any wonder I don’t help with anything? If I do it wrong I get a big lecture on how incompetent I am and I get a demonstration of the correct way to do it. I always feel monitored when I’m at home. And when I don’t feel monitored I feel used.

“Zoë can you come here for a minute please?”
-What Mom repeats until I drop everything and see what she wants.

We all know that “please” is a way of saying “get over here right now”. Life revolves around Mom. It doesn’t matter if I was in the middle of something. Instead of asking me nicely if I can do something for her, there is a tone in her voice that tells me that she expects this “favour” and the asking is simply a formality. And she always says please. Isn’t she polite? I wonder if she even remembers that “please” is actually a request and not a demand.

I now realize that the last few days have been a kind of grace period where my parents probably decided to give me a break since I just got off Project. I can’t help but wonder why not just continue with this grace period? Why make ridiculous rules where the only purpose is to have everything exactly the way mom wants it. One would hope that rules are for making things function well. And that Mom would say “yes” as often as she can instead of weaving a net of expectations that trap me into a life of useless boredom. Ya, I feel unmotivated. That’s because I’m not allowed to do anything. And where’s Dad in all of this? Who knows? You’d think he’d try harder to bring sanity to our family.

I’m being extremely critical right now. I hate being so judgemental. But this really is ridiculous, and I feel like if I don’t fight back I’m going to lose any freedom I have. That’s why I’m so snarky to my mom, because I feel like if I’m the least bit nice to her she will take advantage of it.

I feel trapped again. It would be nice if my Mom would at least make an effort to change. Or even act like she cared about changing. That would be nice.

Please pray for me. I’m on the verge of screaming and I’ve only been back a week.

And I can’t think clearly.

The Swing of Things

2006-08-23T22:49:00.000-06:00

“Mirror mirror on the wall…”

A question that has always haunted me and demanded my full curiosity is “Who am I?”It sounds kinda deep and philosophical, but actually it’s kinda a blah question. I’m sick of asking. I’m the kind of person who looks in the mirror and walks away forgetting what I look like…personality-wise that is. But right now I know. And I’m in a pretty good mood.
Ah yes. Happy. I like me. And I’m actually excited about the future instead of being anxious about it. Yay! I think I’m going to view this next year as a time for God to tutor me in the ways of life. I’m always trying to improve myself, but oddly I don’t think it’s ever occurred to me that the things I decide to do will change me without any effort on my part. It may change me for the worse if I’m not careful, but regardless of what I do I am going to change.

Oh. I had all these things I was going to say and now I can’t think of any of them. Darn it.

Well let’s start rambling and see what we come up with. I'll start with trying to remember all the things I’ve done in the last week…
Well, I had coffee at a cemetery with Nicole. Best idea I’ve had in ages. Everyone gets grossed/weirded out when I tell them we went to a “graveyard” to hang out. I don’t see why. I think it’s one of the most inspirational and sacred places you can possibly go. Not to mention peaceful. Nicole and I sat down next to an angel statue and wrote some poetry. I wish I could express what it was like to sit there. Epiphanilicious! Everything seemed to be put in perspective beautifully. I can't express it so I'll just share my poem and hope it makes you see the light and want to run down to a cemetary and be deep and poetic like me.

A Fine and Quiet Place

Why fear the beauty of a ghostly tableau?
It is, after all, real
But meaningless beauty is but a fog
The tears of vanity
Are mass productions
Like hallmark tombstones
On a grassy hilltop
How wise was Solomon
And yet, how ironically tragic
Where does he hide?
Who mourns at his tomb?
“Everything is vanity.” He says
Yes
Yes this is truth
The plastic bouquets melt
The poems are left hollow
Pain and Purpose disappear
Riding off into the sunset
Like two strangers
Souls without a reason
Cherishing someone elses grief
In one voyeuristic connection
Let us meet for tea
Said one to her friend
I will meet you in the rock garden
And we will brew the nation’s tears
Find me tomorrow at my graveside
And I will whisper what I know
Of the tongues of angels and worms
And the souls in between
Here in this quiet sanctuary
We will divine the direction to heaven
Off we go
With our customized compass
And post-modern maps
For adventure
For love
For no other reason than the Fact
That I’m fine how are you?

After leaving the unicorn cemetery we went to Humpty’s for dinner. When we got our orders Nicole noticed that they had accidentally put mushrooms on hersandwich. She doesn’t like mushrooms. Or meat. Or chocolate. I think she’s crazy. But that’s beside the point…anyway, this little old lady walks over to our table and asks if Nicole’s allergic to mushrooms. Nicole said she wasn’t and that she just didn’t like them. To which the lady laughed and informed us that not liking them isn’t the same thing as being allergic. Then as she went back to her friend (also a little old lady) she said quite loudly, “No no, she just doesn’t like them.” Five minutes later we could still hear them talking about mushrooms. Later we picked some apples off some trees on the side of the road and ate them in hopes that the pesticides would turn us into some cool mutants. Then we headed down 17th Ave to look for the Fringe festival. On the way it started raining and we had to duck into a 7-11 to ask where the festival was and if it was called off because of the rain.

“Rain don’t stop nothin’ in this town hun.”
-7-11 dude

Then we found the Fringe which was pretty small and we went to some fun stores and came home. It was an intense day! Then we “stayed up” (i.e. stayed awake till about 2 am then crashed on the couches till 5 or so) to see Courney off in the morning and ended up writing a couple of collaborative poems. Nicole gave them to Courney. I wish I had a copy to share with you all. They were amazing poems. It was a full full full fun fun day. Very cultural all around.

Coming up with cultural experiences for myself makes me feel like my own Pygmalion. But I know God is the real potter. He just uses my enthusiasm and sense of perfectionism to mould me. Thank goodness I don’t think I’m perfect. I think that’s why I’m so peaceful right now. I can see not only how far I’ve come and how faithfully God has improved my life but I can also see all my own imperfections and weaknesses but it doesn’t discourage me! I see them as challenges. Things that can change. I’m still pretty sarcastic though…

“Aren’t you such a catch? What a prize. Got a body like a battle-axe. Love that perfect frown. Honest eyes. We oughta buy you a Cadillac.”
-Okgo

Nicole told me that she saw me as someone without weaknesses. She has no idea how encouraging that was to me. Because although it isn’t true, it means that I’ve least reached some level of discipline over my personality. Nate said that I give the vibe of order and calm. Where did that come from? I’ve never seen myself as being especially orderly or calm. It wasn’t even something I was especially working towards. How lovely. I’m kinda glad I sometimes don’t know “who I am” because it means that every day I have to put effort into being a person I respect. I’m going to live like my own role-model. So I’m going to have as interesting a life as I possibly can. I think I might get me one of those sealing wax stamps like Weiyi. I bet I could be really creative with one of those things…

The day after I, oh, hang on a second I’m getting hungry…excuse me while I go make myself some of that tea Sim gave me.

Okay I lied; I’m making some orange pekoe tea instead. It seemed to go with the atmosphere better since it’s kinda rainy and thunder outside right now. I love the atmosphere of a thunderstorm almost as much as I love the fairy tale Christmas feeling. You know, the twinkling lights and the carolling and the snow falling quietly as the streetlights turn on to announce the presence of Christmas Eve. It’s the best birthday party ever! Too bad it’s so stressful in reality. I also love traditional upper-class British things. I’m kinda Victorian sometimes. I love the low and high tea times and the finishing school lessons my mum (hehe, I could have said mom, but I’m being British. Whew, that tea’d better not have any caffeine in it cuz I’m kinda goofy right now) gives me and the overall elegance of it. Not like it exists in real life. Quiet you. I’m happy with my Chronicles of Narnia cookbooks and my cameo necklaces.

Speaking of cookbooks, recipezaar.com has changed! I don’t like it, it’s confusing and I can’t search by the highest rated recipe’s anymore. Boo. I’m sticking with my tried and true recipes. I’m eating a Cinnamon Crispa as we (I) speak. Yum! Oh and I just went and had a mini dance party with Amy (very mini quoth Amy) cuz I’m wearing the skirt I bought at the Le Chateau Outlet and so Amy decided to put on her Hawaiian dress. And they move so nicely that we just had to dance along to the music from the Project DVD + disc.

“Why are you so dressed up?”
-Ben every day I didn’t look like a bum. Sidenote: apparently putting on creative make-up counts as dressing up…even if you’re dressed like a bum…

I LIKE DRESSING UP! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME? IT’S THERAPUDIC!! ARE YOU DEAF????? ISN’T CAPITALIZATION FUN? WELL? ANSWER ME!
Actually, when I look like a bum I tend to act like one. Now I’m getting quite a bit done. Like laundry. I just finished the blues (<- this is not referring to the genre of music). It’s really weird to actually split up the colours instead of just dumping them all in the washing machine. It’s probably safer this way… less chance of one of them getting stabbed…

“Some day you will be queen of the ball”
-Grandma after hearing that Amy got a B+ in her Math course…I love Grandma.

“It was obviously a compliment, but I have no idea what she meant…”
-Amy

Amy and I just had a giggle fit. And then Mom and Dad just came home and informed us that nothing showed up on Mom’s (Mum’s) ultrasound. No cancer. But apparently the doctor took a chunk out of her leg for good measure. Mom is actually pretty good at storytelling.

Ah, I forgot. I was telling you about the day after going to the cemetery. Then tea sidetracked me. And now I’m all done drinking my tea. And it was a big mug too. There it goes again. Tea is very distracting. Ahem. We went on an expedition downtown and did all sortsa fun things. Like going to Lyndsay (sp?) Park and watching Nate ford the river. And we went and checked out a big Catholic church that was locked sadly, and we went shopping on 17th Ave. Weiyi found some sealing wax and a stamp with a W on it at a little novelty/gift store. It was a nifty store. I can’t remember the name of it though. Then we went to the same store Nicole and I had gone to the day before. And lastly we went to the Science Centre. What a full day. Oh, then we went home. We didn’t sleep at the Science Centre.

Wow. My family and I just watched Hoodwinked and I must say that it’s one of the best comedies I’ve seen in ages! I’m so surprised! I thought it would have the dumbest plot when I saw the trailer. But I was wrong! I’m gonna watch it again tomorrow :)

“And Keith…darn it, change your name! It’s not scary, and I’m embarrassed to say it…”
-the bunny from Hoodwinked

I know there was more I wanted to say...

No Internet

2006-08-14T14:20:00.000-06:00

The reason I haven't posted in the last few days is because of a pesky detail about living at the dorms: we gots no internets! However I'm here at my parents house eating their food and using their computer, so it's all good. Life has kinda slowed down now that most people are gone. Nicole's back for a few days, but we're not sure yet how long she's going to be staying. She and Nate and Weiyi all came to my home church St. James Anglican yesterday.

"I never pictured you going to an Anglican church..."
-Nicole

Afterwards we came over to my parents house for lunch and ended up staying the entire day! What a blast! Most of the day was spent watching Mickey Mouse cartoons, playing chess and reading Calvin and Hobbes.
Another thing I did yesterday was draw the picture I’ve added to the bottom of this post. Weiyi's convinced that it symbolizes that men are fools and do stupid things to try and impress women, while women remain unimpressed and sit there doing their own thing. I think that's pretty close to a direct quotation. I'm gonna miss Weiyi's sexist comments. They make me smile.

" Beer brings men together like leg waxing and fondue bring women together..."
- One of my favourite Weiyi comments

The funny thing is this picture doesn't actually symbolize anything specific for me. It's inspired by the poem I posted August 6th. Here's the sense I was trying to convey:
Someone is sitting for hours looking at the view somewhere so far from civilization that no one would consider passing by. Then from the distance comes the sound of bells. Slowly, over the horizon appears the dancing figure of a juggler. She watches silently as he slowly passes by and becomes a speck in the distance. She goes back to what she was doing. Two hours later she starts toying with three stones.
If anyone else gets a different sense when they look at it I’d love to hear about it.

In Order of Apperance

2006-08-11T02:04:00.000-06:00

"Oh! It's blue!"
-Each of my family members a minute or two after seeing me

Amy: I think I'll use a tetrahedron
Amy's teacher: Isn't that a dinosaur?

"MacGyver you gotta help me! I'm in a bed, it could go off any second!"
-Jack Dalton from the Macgyver episode "Dolton, Jack of Spies"

Zoe: Why's the Minister of Energy sending me a scholarship?
Mom: That's Greg Melchen, he's our MLA
Dad: He lives right around the corner...
Zoe: Oh! I should go ring his doorbell and thank him. Then ask him if he will actually sign mine personally!

"Kibo was basically a body-builder!"
-My Dad talking about his old Black Lab

Dave Rennalls: Ever since you made me jump off your balcony my back hasn't been the same.
Zoe: I never made you! I just asked you if you could!
Christa: Then I said, "I bet you can't!"
Dave Rennalls: See? That's what I mean! I had to do it!

"I keep trying to make myself go to bed early, but you guys are just too much fun!"
-Simeon

"Sehhhgaaaaaaaaaaa!"
-The sound after Nate and I just finished the entire game of Sonic the Hedgehog.

*Rumbllllllle........?*
-The sound of my tummy before I head to bed

I've Started Wearing a Mood Ring

2006-08-10T16:43:00.000-06:00

"All women are evil anyway..."
-Weiyi while watching "Samson and Delilah"

*Chuckle*. True. I mock my gender. Frailty thy name is woman. And let’s not forget how terribly confusing we are all the time. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a masculinist (why don't you ever hear of masculinist activists?), but I'm most certainly not a “feminist”. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a girl. Then sometimes I'm glad I am.

Warning: I’m saying all this very lightly, as observations. Please don’t take this as a scowl-faced rant.

There's a lot of pressure put on us. To some degree I think we struggle with manipulation just as much as men struggle with lust. In our society we're portrayed so often as spineless powder puffs. It's only natural that we should fight against that image by displaying our power. After all, the face of a woman launched a thousand ships. Mwhahaha. Take it Cronk...feeeeeeel the POWER!!!!
Then there's the inevitable cliché that we are pressured to be beautiful. That's not terribly hard to accomplish to be quite honest. The paradox is how to be beautiful on the inside at the same time as being beautiful on the outside. Hmmm. What an intriguing idea. Not wearing slutty clothes just because they’re pretty and sexy and let us make men do whatever we want. *Barf*. Forget just being attractive, how do we honour God, men and ourselves at the same time as being true to our personalities? I actually like dressing up, but it’s hard to find clothes I like that I can actually wear. What a pickle! Semi-related tangent: I feel that I’ve lost a lot of my pizzazz since project ended because since then I’ve been treated differently by some of the boys. Uh oh, warning bells a-ringin’. I’d rather be boring or sardonic than have my motives questioned. Just a weird personality quirk of mine. Not that I have perfectly pure motives all the time…heavens no! But I panic when I can’t control how people see me. That’s why judgemental people frustrate me. And I can’t stand not understanding how to interact with someone. It’s draining. I realized that I overcompensate for my naivety by taking a cynical and calculated look at gender dynamics. Yup, all women are evil at one time or another. *Sweet Smile*.

Um. Ya. I don’t want to be manipulative. And I don’t want to scorn men. I just want to be free from constant monitoring (or analyzing) how my words or actions could be misconstrued or cause others to stumble. I think maybe… I’m too afraid sometimes. And I should stop. Ya, that’s a good plan Chief! Let’s do that! Aaaand break!

Okay enough with the pessimistic world-view. I’m actually working through my jaded mindset to where I don’t despise “weakness” anymore. I’m becoming a girl again. Or maybe a woman. I don’t mind being appreciated for my bouts of beauty (or creativity in fashion as the case may be). I don’t mind considering the possibility of romance. For those of you who read the comments, that’s what Amy was referring to with the “moping in corners”. Silly Amy! I’m opening my heart up, not transforming into a melodramatic sap! Although it might be fun to swoon. I just like saying the word swoon…

Oh I forgot that not all of you know this fun fact about me: my hair is currently blue. And a very lovely dark greenish blue it is at that! I’ll get pictures on here just as soon as I can. It’s a masterpiece! If you ever need a professional to dye your hair look no farther than our very own Nathaniel Howlett. He’s an arteest! Which reminds me, I promised to pay him. Best get on that ;)
It’s kinda fun being ornamental sometimes. Just as long as I’m not treated like one (see my profile ->)

I just spent all day at the housesitting house (a.k.a. Zorro’s house) and at my parents’ house. It’s been a good vacation away from my vacation. Another reason other than paranoia that I’ve lost some of my bounce is because I haven’t had enough alone time lately. Actually I’ve had no alone time lately. I slept over at Zorro’s house last night during the lightning storm (I adore lightning storms) and watched “V for Vendetta”. I want to say a quick thank you to Christa for insisting on me taking the movie to watch when I know she’s been dying to see it. It’s getting easier and easier to return to my life before Project. I think this is a good transition technique to come home and eat my parents’ food in the mornings. I’m so brilliant ;) ! I feel more and more like myself each visit. Today I was able to dance in the living room like I always used to. Maybe I should take dance sometime. Christa (I think…) called my attention to the fact that my style of dancing often includes some ballet moves. Plus hip hop and flamenco. I love interpretive dancing that isn’t ridiculous. And even if it is, it’s fun! Dancing is a form of worship for me. I’ve rediscovered a form of meditation I “invented” (quick definition from the Zoe 2006 Dictionary. Christian meditation: meditating on a quality or principal of spirituality…not blunking out your mind, sucka!!!). A few weeks ago Leah put in some very melodic music and I decided to lie down on my back in the middle of the floor (Roisin was my watchdog in case any boys walked in) and use my arms to express the music. Arm dancing! I do this to focus my mind because without some form of fidgeting my mind inevitably wanders off on nomad trails despite my best attempts to stay on one topic. So while I’m focused on interpreting the music with my arms I spend time in prayer. Oh wow, do I love symbolism!

Lead the way towards truth, even if there’s no one following you.

“Now that it’s on we out at the front of this marathon with our armour on, stay strong, drive on! Our echelon pressing on till we reach the top and you know we don’t stop!”
-Pillar

Complete change of subject: Erin and I have decided to have a joint birthday party in Ontario this year. You know what that means? Bungee jumping! Details are still to be worked out, but I’m pumped! Everyone from Calgary Project is invited (not all have to come bungee jumping to be a part of this party)!

P.S. Pray for the women in my family. The doctors found “something” on both my Mom and my Grandma’s tests. Might be breast cancer in both cases. I’ll see what the results say before getting worked up about it though.

“Who knew I could make such interesting noises through my teeth with spit?”
-Zoë

Stories of Gold

2006-08-09T01:23:00.000-06:00

This was my last day working at Claire's for the summer. There was a book sitting on the counter today. My co-workers and I decided to read this inspired novel.
The Book of Things to Do:
"Do whatever you please."
...And that was all it said.

We got a good laugh out of that. Actually I got a good laugh out of everything since my co-worker picked up a coffee for me at noon. Wheeeheheheheheehehheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
We decided that we should write a poem about things that can be done. It's amazing the things you think of when you are rhyming!

Get a tattoo
Dye your hair blue
Go to the zoo
Watch Winnie the Pooh
Get a new do
Buy something new (from Claire's)
Cuddle teddy bears
Play truth or dares
Wave your hands in the airs
like you just don't cares!
Go to County Fairs (on your break)
Bake a cake
Swim in a lake
Drink coffee to stay awake
Get a massage for your backache
Charm a snake (with a rattle)
Find a paddle
Ride a horse sidesaddle
Brand some cattle
Start a battle (or stop one)
Hug your hun
Smile at the sun
Celebrate the battle you won
Take your pet for a run
Tell a funny pun
Get it all done
Don't say "um" (or like)
Go ride a bike
Go fishing for pike
Go to open mic
Do whatever you like!

Then we drew illustrations. I got to have a really awesome spiritual conversation with my co-worker today too. Very open and fun and deep. What a great day. Then Michelle called and told me that she finally found the blue hair stuff for me and I can come to work tomorrow to pick it up! Yay! What a great life. Then Andrea came in and we tried to figure out a time to go to Smilin' Buddha to get our tattoos. It probably won't be for a while. She's working and then leaving for a week. Soon my friends...soon! Did I tell you the story of why I want a ship tattoo? I'll tell you now :)

When I was a bonnie young lass my Mother and Father took me to an enchanting place called Blessing Christian Marketplace. Every time I went there I felt like a piece of heaven had surrounded me and taken me under its wing. I was awe-struck by all the beautiful figurines and infinitely wise parables displayed on various symbolic backgrounds. But this was all white noise compared to the treasure I found upon this memorable visit. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a sail boat that seemed to call out to me. It was the most beautiful thing I could have imagined. Made out of golden metal and resting upon a base of marble, it's beauty was only ex ceded by the poem written upon one of the sails. Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Such wisdom and grace of wording overwhelmed my young mind. I must own this marvelous ship! I raced to inform my parents of this golden wonder I had stumbled across and beg them to purchase it for me. To my dismay they decided to think about it and come back another day. But how could they know it would still be there? Such a stunning item would not stay unsold for long. And this was the last one! For the next few days I could think of nothing else. I continually begged both my parents and God to let me be the guardian of this treasure, believing in my heart that this was the most noble endeavour anyone could pursue: possessing not only beauty, but wisdom as well. After an agonizing wait my parents headed back to take another look at this item I desired so badly. Upon reaching the doors I set off in all directions, turning this way and that; trying to find my little golden ship. As the seconds ticked by my heart pounded harder and harder, and my stomach grew tighter and tighter. Where was it? Maybe they moved it. No God! It couldn't have been sold to someone else! No! I wanted it so much more than anyone else ever could have! God, I asked you for this! How could you let me down like this? You knew how important this was!
Tears welled up in my eyes as my parents quietly escorted me home. In my young life I had never been so bitterly disappointed. I'd never felt the emptiness of feeling cheated out of something that belonged to me in heart, if not any other way. That ship was meant for me. I knew it. Yet I didn't have it. More tears. As I walked through my dwelling I noticed a box sitting at my place at the table. Confused and not fully comprehending I opened it up. Heart stopped...
...
Mere seconds seemed to be a lifetime of understanding and realization. There was the ship. My ship. It was really mine now! My parents had bought it for me ahead of time as a surprise. The reason it had been sold out was because it was my parents who had bought it! For me! All the pain I had felt from disappointment could not compare with the pure and untainted joy that rushed over me. This was more than a statue to me, this was symbolic of Gods great love and wisdom as a talisman to my life. This small gift became all the more significant in my eyes because of the lesson I received with it. Lean not unto thine own understanding. Often we see what we want to see, and we hear what we want to hear. We can assume ourselves to be very clever because we think we know the outcome to something. If something does not align with our understanding we can reject both it and God as disappointments. I'd rather take the scenic route through life and expect God to show me the really stunning sights instead of insisting that I know the way better that the One who created it. So for me the symbol of a ship represents the hope of expecting good things from God. It represents peace of mind and of heart. It represents my devotion to serving God with my life. It represents that Jesus is not only my saviour...but my Lord and King.

I have the ship sitting next to me as I write this. It remains one of my most honoured possessions. I brought it to Project with some apprehension and fear that it would be damaged or lost. But my desire to share it's beauty and story are greater than my fear of the future.

I love you Mom and Dad.

"I'm sailing my ships upon God's seas, and I'll never get lost for He will guide me. I've set a course for eternity, and I'm sailing my ships upon God's seas..."

This has been a very freeing day.

This One's For You Roisin

2006-08-08T11:06:00.000-06:00

I just had another sketchy C-train experiance. On the way to the house I'm housesitting for I had to take the train to Dalhousie station. Upon exiting the train an older gentleman stopped at the doors to wait till I got off. As I passed him he informed me that I had a very attractive shirt on. Why thank you sir, I quite like it myself. I think I'll just keep walking now. It wasn't too scary, it just reminded me of the escapade Roisin and I had on the C-train while coming back from the Whitehorn Value Village.

Keith: She's really pretty (refering to Roisin).
Me: Yes she is.
Keith: So are you.
Me: Thank you.
Keith: What are you girls up to?
Roisin: Just going home.
Keith: What're you reading?
Roisin: The Bible.
Keith: What's happening?
Roisin: David's returning the ark of the covanent...
Keith: Hey, What're you doing?
Roisin: ...Reading my Bible...
Keith: What'm I doing?
Roisin: Hitting on me!?! (she didn't actually say this, but we really wish she did!)

What is it about the C-train and getting hit on? You know those signs they have that inform the public of proper transit ettiquette? You know, the ones that tell you not to swear or take up space or offer your seat to older people...
They should make a sign that says: It's not good manners to distress young ladys by asking them questions about themselves or making personal comments about them.

Yay, Dan just showed up! Okay I gotta go talk to Dan and head to work.

I'll edit this later.

Random Ramblings

2006-08-06T20:20:00.000-06:00

The sun never sets on the empire
Then again, neither does it rise
No flaming sunrises, no glowing sunsets
How much we miss when there is no change
I'd rather take the bad with the good
than saran-wrap this experiential emotion
And warm it up when company comes
I'll just wait on the edge of my comfort zone
For the Wells Fargo Wagon to arrive
with my daily dose of common sense
And when you ask me what I'm doing here
I think I'll simply tell you the Truth
and also that I'm teaching myself to juggle

If I didn't know the moon was suspended in the sky I'd swear it was going to plummet to earth. I've been focusing so much on being happy lately that I've forgotten to be peaceful. I think I've been trying really hard to make every moment memorable. But I forgot that I need space. I need "me" time. I feel bad that I've been doing things because I feel like I have to, not because I want to. I'm not comfortable not smiling when I'm around people, even if it's not a natural smile. Some days I feel my physical interpretation of emotion short-circuit. I can be perfectly satisfied on the inside, but nothings coming through with my facial expressions or tone of voice. That's when I start trying to create reactions for myself. That's when I find myself trying to laugh as loud as everyone else, or smile as easily. That's when my voice can become very loud and unpleasant. I hate trying to force myself into the centre of attention, but I hate feeling problematic and pushed aside even more.
Today was not one of those days. It was for some of it, but that's just because it takes a while to get back into the swing of enjoying life for the heck of it. Oh, and I'm not sure why I'm feeling so poetic lately. I'll post more substantial comments later. I just finished editing a very important movie and I need sleep.

Today was a hoot!

Smoke Rings

2006-08-05T02:58:00.000-06:00

"You are a motor-bus. All bounce and go and no consideration for anyone!"
-Elsia Doolittle

I was just talking to Andrew on gmail chat and I realized that one of the reasons I've felt so blah lately is because I've been focusing so much on my own mind. People can be talking about completely fascinating or meaningful things and I can't appreciate them because there's a part of me that has shut down from listening and is marinating in the emotions of the last three months.

I feel bad that I'm not completely present when I'm around people. Yesterday Nate and I headed downtown for some intense cultural experiences. First off we hit Pilgrims used bookstore. I'd never been there before, but it's an amazing place! I picked up a four translation New Testament for five bucks. Nate cleaned out a lot of the kids bible movies (good memories) and a couple books like a C.S. Lewis paperback. Then we headed to a Shisha cafe Nate had found out about. I'll try to explain Shisha for those of you who (like me a week ago) had never heard of it. It's a middle eastern (I think) form of smoking out of bongs that neither involves the tar or nicotine of tobacco. It's not unhealthy, and instead of doing it for a high or because of addiction, people do it for the flavour and the fun of playing with smoke. It was such a nice bright open place. The entire experience was a rich cultural adventure. Imagine if you will sitting in a heritage sandstone style room while listening to a reading from either the Bible or aforementioned C.S. Lewis book as light yet thick mint smoke curls from your lips. I wish I could remember some of the quotations (not quotes) I heard yesterday. I like the one about a light shining out from behind the sun. And I'd like to try some other flavours some day, although the mint was very refreshing. I now know how to blow some half decent smoke rings. Our waiter was very interested in the fact that we were reading the Bible, so he brought out a book of his called the "Dead Sea Scrolls". I wish I had time to read more than just a snippet from it. The atmosphere was very hospitable. We even found out that all the food was made from scratch by the waiter's wife. The food was excellent.
I wish I could have let myself enjoy yesterday more, but i just kept thinking about how everyone is leaving. I really appreciated something Nate said. He said, "you know you're comfortable with someone when you can sit and be silent together without the need to say something." It was good.

Afterwards Christa invited Katrina, Ben and I to go to her brother's house for dinner. We had to take two buses to get there but it was well worth it. Ben and I have been working on an awesome dance move. Ben, if you're reading this I think you should post a comment about how awesome our dance move is. I was very tired at this point and my mind really began to not function properly. And all day today I've remained exhausted. After and uneventful and even dull day of markdowns it was nice to come home to the smell of cooking. David Tsui made dinner for everyone, and boy was it delicious! I wanted to head down to the House in Kensington, but by the time we had finished eating it was windy and I was still pretty mentally out of it.

You know...one reason I might not be the most rested person is because I apparently sleep in all sorts of contorted positions. I'm glad Christa's here to give me these insights. I wonder if I secretly sleepwalk too...

Katrina left this afternoon while I was at work. Then Alison left around 7pm. There was a LOT of crying for that one. I'll miss giving Alison long hugs. I think hugs are one of my favorite things of all time. Especially twirly ones. But saying goodbye to Alison was more of a long comforting hug. I think leaving hit her harder than most of us at this point.
Bob's leaving in 3 hours. I'm glad I found out before going to bed. Otherwise he would have just sneaked away without a proper goodbye. I hate goodbyes, but not as much as I hate not saying goodbye when someone is going to leave regardless. Kristen brought up a good point though; now that we're dispersing we get to hear stories of people in their natural habitat (or as Kristen put it: outside the Project bubble).

I'm glad the Internet works so nicely for letting people know you still love them.

Tragedy is a Subtle Art

2006-08-03T13:04:00.000-06:00

Hehehe! That's right, it is needlessly complicated. I had to share this with everyone because it's such a perfect parody of my attitude sometimes. I'm so silly. If people only knew how silly I am they'd say, "Oh Zoë, you're so silly!"

I'm doing much better today. Not 100%, but I'm able to talk to non-project people at least a smidgen now. Please keep praying for me. Every so often I get another anxiety attack. I hate those. RrrRRrr! But I'm moving forward!

I just found a to-do list left over from Roisin. I think it will be my to-do list today. It says:
1) Avoid being eaten
2)Buy more "people meat"
3) Find someone looking to purchase a pet cannibal
4) ???
5) PROFIT!!

"Maybe Dad would believe I had rabies if I bit him first..."
- Calvin

Hey you, wanna buy a cannibal?

P.W.S.

2006-08-03T02:49:00.000-06:00

"Sometimes I fall asleep, and then I lose control. I try to find my way out without letting go."
- TFK
Today I've felt very absent. Kind of like standing watching a car pull away without me. I got up to the sight of Leah walking out the door. With her luggage. "Oh".

Then I went to work. It turns out I went in an hour early. Oh well. I was very happy at work. God revealed to me the joy of Project ending so that we can share what we had with others. I love sharing. That's the kind of separation I can accept. I was happy at work.

I pierced Shelly's ear today. I love changing people permanently in a good way. In more than just a physical sense. I bought a bus pass too.

Then I went to meet the people I'll be house sitting for. It turns out they live about half a block away from my parents house. Nice people. They have a dog named Zorro. They call it Zo for short. I can relate to this dog.

Then I went home to surprise my family. I thought it would be nice. My mom seemed happy. Then my dad got home.

Dad: I've got a huge kink in my neck
Mom: What happened?
Dad: I was standing in the bathroom and I turned my head. Now it hurts.
Mom: That'll teach you to go to the bathroom! Best never do it again.

I laughed out loud for that one. Things kinda went downhill from there. Today I basically watched my Mom and Dad interacting as though I wasn't even there. Surprise, I'm home! Whoopdi-do...

I remember reading the book "Captivating" and realizing how incredibly gypped I felt in my relationship with my dad. I don't feel cherished. It's weird because when I grew up I always felt like he was the most loving, caring person in the world. I was fiercely devoted to him. Then his role changed to become the mediator between my mother and I. Now it's rare if he puts any effort into getting to know me. Thanks for all the rides Dad. They helped me get places...on time...

I don't mind writing all this down because he probably doesn't read my blog. My mom will probably tell him though. Not like I haven't mentioned it to him...

Now I remember the horror that is Project Withdrawal Syndrome. Feeling like a guest in your own home, only without the hospitality and common curtesy.

When I came home from my parents place there were still some people gathered, so I joined them. The group of us somehow moved to my apartment where I had left some of my make-up out on the table. The end result was a rendition of Cleopatra on the blank canvas of Nate's face, courtesy of Christa and me. That was fun. The only problem was that I couldn't really get into it because I was still upset about that glimpse of life after project. I hate it when I can't snap out of a negative mindset. Then Nate and Weiyi stayed up and tried to convince me that Calvinism is true. It turned into a very very long argument where we were basically working through how scripture could work for our viewpoint. It was mostly me listening. A lot of it was simply extrapolating on scripture. That was not healthy for me. The only reason I stayed to talk was because I felt I really couldn't leave the "man is a puppet and has no say in his life" attitude unchallenged. I don't think the guys realized how upset I was about life in general. The arguement went on way too long; past the point of being productive and to the point of making me angry. I tried to hint at this (i.e. tell them plainly that this was going in circles) but they just kept talking. I hate obliviousness.

I feel like crying. Or puking. More the latter though. I'm afraid to stop writing. I'm actually terrified of going to bed.

I think it's going to be alright.

Never Ending Goodbye's

2006-08-02T01:02:00.000-06:00

"You're not done with the past, but the past is done with you."

If I were wearing a mood ring right now it would be completely clear. Everything is changing so quickly. I don't know how I'm doing. I was really joyful today. Then Roisin left. Now I'm just here.

I have everything to say and no patience to say it. I'm bouncing between unbelievable strength and maturity, and brooding childishness. When I don't know how to react to something, I don't.

The world stopped, but I haven't

City of Stars

2006-08-01T03:09:00.000-06:00

I now know how it feels to have my heart torn.
I now know the heartache of laughter through pain
For I've never felt so hollow and forlorn
And I swear I'll never feel this way again

I now know how it feels to be touched by light
I now know the beauty of a childlike grin
For I'll always look for the dawn through the night
And I swear to never look back to my sin

For I've now seen the heavens come down to me
I've seen it stored up within these fragile jars
His beauty stretches farther than I can see
So I'll reach out toward this city of stars

-Written by Zoë Klintberg, inspired by Steven Chan

Today I was forced to say goodbye to some of my closest friends. If I didn't know I'd see them again in heaven I don't think I could bear this day.

Right before going to bed Christa said to me, "I think I love everyone more now that I don't have to."

I agree.

The Soundest Sleep

2006-07-30T00:19:00.000-06:00

Only by God's strength did I not fall over today. I was awoken at 8am by Shelly after only 3 and a half hours of sleep. I missed my alarm going off. I missed it going off the entire time. My dream ended with someone pulling me away by my feet, and then I realized that I was awake and Shelly was jiggling my feet to wake me up. The leadership team had breakfast at Smitty's today. Then we went door to door inviting people to the BBQ. Then we had the BBQ. Jenn, Grayson, and the other Zoe came out. I haven't seen any of them in ages. After the BBQ Kat showed up too. What a good day. I'll tell you about yesterday sometime.

I've got a random bloodspot in my eye. It showed up out of nowhere. Apperantly you get them if you are really stressed...

I need to figure out how to get to Value Village.

This is the BBC Home Service. Here is the News:

2006-07-28T01:34:00.000-06:00

Just finished watching Braveheart. Good movie. Long movie anyway. Our D.G. went around postering for the BBQ on Saturday ahead of time, then we rented the movie and set up in the lounge. The only problem was that the guys had rented the same movie and were planning on using the projector to watch it. Silly boys, tricks are for kids. Dave R, Dawei, Matt and Weiyi sat down to watch it with us. Dave is pretty funny when he gets into action movies. It was an enjoyable evening/morning.

This morning I wanted to go shopping to see what I could find to wear to the final banquet. That never happened. I wanted Amy to come with me, but what happened instead was Dad came to take me to do banking stuff and Amy showed up at the apartments just as he arrived. Then Amy came back to hang out and maybe play guitar. Coincidentally, Nate just got some new sound equipment for the BBQ, so the three of us hung out and jammed for a couple hours. "When in Doubt" is always a good choice to sing along to. Good old TFK! I was singing off key for a lot of it because of my cold, but I didn't care. I've somehow started to care what people think of me lately (which I hate) so it was nice to just belt it out and be myself despite myself.

After that we had our debrief meeting. Good talk by both Dave R. and Shells on 1) How to communicate the Project experience with others, and 2) How to transition (or hit re-entry as Shells put it) when you get back "home".

And in other news:

My mom does have cancer on her face. But hang on a second, I haven't told you the whole story. It's not serious. It's something called Basal Cell skin cancer, which is not serious. Yay! Now my mom just has to put some special cream on her face while she waits to make sure the doctor got all of it. Thanks for all your prayers. They mean a great deal to me :)

I might have to wait off on my bungee jumping experience. I was talking to Erin today, and apparently she knows of this white water rafting/hiking/bungee jumping package that you can get somewhere near Ottawa for something like $120. That's only twice the price of West Ed bungee jumping and it's, like, twice/three times the height, plus white water rafting, plus a good hike, plus it's a natural site. So cool! So if and when I visit Ontario that's what I'm gonna be doing. Sorry Spence, gotta prioritize.

I was talking to Matt today sometime inbetween all of this and the subject of other missions came up. Conversation went something like this:

Zoë: I'd like to go back on OEX next year. That is as long as God doesn't sent me into some other crazy mission field.
Matt: Ya. He might send you to minister to clowns or something!
Zoë: *gasp* You're right! Nobody ever thinks of the clowns. I think God just spoke a prophesy through you!
Matt: And we all know you shouldn't treat prophecies with contempt!

Which brought up the question in my mind: if banana's were created blue instead of yellow, what would happen to our world? Everything would be different, that's what! And those poor clowns, it must be pretty hard to have a deep conversation with them! I feel sorry for them. Everyone is scared of clowns. I wonder if they are a dying breed.

Now I'll go off to bed thinking deep thoughts. Thanks Matt!

Now Listening to: Thrive

2006-07-27T01:49:00.000-06:00

"What a lousy place for a wall..."
- Don Carnage

Seems like there's been so much happening lately. But now that I sit down to my lappy at 1 in the morning, like I always seem to, they all seem very distant. It's not until I started this blog that I realized the vast quantity of subjects my mind whirls through in one day. Let's just start with the things I did and go from there:

Well yesterday after work I came home to Christa, Amanda and Kathleen working hard at planning Nate's birthday surprise. The plan had changed drastically from the version I'd last heard so I sat down to help. Now please understand, I love baking. It is not only fun but therapeutic for me as well. So not long passed before I had volunteered to help Kathleen bake a cake. Did I mention the entire process was spoken in a Russian/Swiss/Italian/Indian/Greek/potpourri accent? Just think of Don Carnage from "Tale Spin" and you'll have a pretty good idea of what this sounded like. So Kathleen and I went to start this cake and low'n'behold we don't have many of the ingredients for the Black Forest cake of Nate's dreams. Boo. So we went in search. There was much innovation on our part and a very interesting trip to the liquor store (while still holding the accent). Then there was much preparation time and mishaps (including the fact that Ben somehow managed to turn our whipping cream into butter and milk...?!?!?...I don't even know how that was possible). The entire time we called each other by our cultural names. Kathleen was Hyrania, I was Francesca, Amanda was Olivia, Ben was Vladimir, Nicole was Olga, and Matt was Gregorio. Then Vladimir got on this long tangent about how he's married to Francesca, but then he switched it to Hyrania. There was much chaos. Then it was finally "done" and we went to present it to Nate. Giving definitely is better than receiving. I love seeing the joy on peoples faces when you've done something nice for them. Unfortunately the cake didn't taste much like Black Forest (Nate was nice enough to give us each a piece). But it was really sweet and kinda tasted like chocolate cake, and the cherry's were pretty good by themselves...

Then I had dinner.

Afterwards Dan invited me to watch "Born into Brothels" with him. It turned into Dan, Nate, Amanda and I watching the movie on a laptop in my room. It's a good movie. Not at all the explicit depressing dark movie I thought it would be. If you haven't watched it you really should consider renting it. It's all about the red light district in India through the eyes of the children. One lady teaches the kids to take pictures, so the entire film is about getting to know each child and the pictures that they take. Some of the pictures took my breath away...compositionally that is. What beauty in such filth! I wish I could watch it all the way through without it freezing 5 times. Stupid rentals.

Then Nate turned 19. Happy Birthday man.

I went to work today in a very good mood. I love listening to the album "Thrive", but only every so often. Today was one of those days.

"I can't get there from here, when every sense is in mono. Walk by faith, you appear. I wanna live in stereo."

Then at work Annika and Lydia came and visited me/shopped around. Yay. What fun! They sent my tired but happy spirits soaring. The rest of the day dragged on a bit. Some interesting things did happen, like a drunk lady coming in, 3 security men coming in to try to remove a huge wooden box, playing catch with a slippery squishy thing that came out of it's package while watching to make sure customers didn't see us, picking up Shawna and dropping her on the garbage bin outside, etc. But time seemed to crawl by today. I'm still sick. Got my voice mostly back this morning, but I'm still tired. Finally, at 5:30 I decided to head home instead of waiting till 6. After all, Mirielle and Tommy were making a special birthday dinner for Nate. I couldn't be late for all that beef. On the way home I bumped into Courtnay so we walked home together. We decided to pick a bouquet as a present for Nate, but most of the flowers are dead now. I think we weren't supposed to pick those flowers. The bouquet looked pretty good though. After the beef and Greek salad food group there was chocolate pie for dessert. It reminded me of last year's Calgary Project. I forget the other two kinds of pies I made last year. One was probably apple...

Last bible study today. I was so tired. Why can't I be tired now instead? Afterwards Kathleen and I waited for the other study to get out of the lounge so we could start go in for 9:36 prayer. I forget which book the 9:36 is supposed to refer to. Oh well, it was more like 10:00 by the time we had prayer. Then Chris H. and Sim had to use the lounge to Debrief. So Kathleen and I went to her room for prayer. I'll miss that. Such intimate prayer. But I was really tired then too. I'm so blah nowadays. I wanna be more fun and alive. I feel like I'm not making the most of these last few days. Doing things isn't the same as experiencing.

I adore tragedy. Like Orson Wells. I'll probably grow up to be a very outgoing person who has everything in the world. Then at my funeral everyone will talk about how bravely I fought through my drug/relationship/drinking/depression problem. Celebrities are fascinating.
"Soul children packing Prozac pacifiers..."

I want to read "Don Quixote" sometime. I think there is nothing noble about fighting for something that doesn't exist. At the same time I think that there is nothing nobler than fighting for something that isn't, but should be. Where have all the giants gone? Insanity can be a form of hope. I also have to read "The Last Unicorn" again. Everything has it's proper place in the fairy tale. It's strange that we put such hope in unicorns. They are so vain. They probably think this sentence is about them. But none of that matters to them. They are majestic despite of it. Roisin once looked up the definition of "vanity" for me because the KJV of Ecclesiastes says "everything is vanity" instead of "everything is meaningless". The definition is something like: hollow, without substance. I thought that was very profound. The unicorns knew they were the most beautiful creatures on the face of the earth. They let maidens coax them to come closer only so that their magnificence would be appreciated. That was the natural order of things. The book is all about that; the natural order of things. How much more glorious is God then because his majesty has substance. No unicorn has ever regretted, it is contrary to their nature. They have no need for it. No unicorn but one: the one who got turned into a human. I love a quote by the lady Amalthea where she says something like, "how can this body be beautiful? It is mortal. I can feel it dying all around me. Nothing that does not last can be truly beautiful." A while ago I started making connections in my mind between the unicorn and Jesus. It's not a perfect fit, but it's fascinating. Or rather, I'm looking at Jesus with eyes that understand he is more real and more great than the unicorn was to her world. Anything she can do he can do better. He can do anything better than her. She learned to regret. He learned what it is like to be completely contrary to himself and become sin. She helped the world because it was her destiny and because of curiosity. He saved the world not only because it was his destiny, but because he loves us that much. She did it selfishly. He did it selflessly. They both had to bend the nature of things to accomplish their goals. Hers was a one time sacrifice. Because God is outside of time, his is an eternal sacrifice. She's not real. He is.

I wish I had time to write more of my thoughts.

"When they all fall like a million raindrops falling from a blue sky, kissing your cares goodbye.They all fall like a million pieces, a ticker tape parade high and now you're free to fly."

It Was Bound to Come Up

2006-07-25T03:03:00.000-06:00

"Let's talk about real love, truth and propaganda, are you really gonna stand for love that waits it's turn? "
-Newsboys

Real conversation tonight as explained later to me by Nicole:

Nicole's random guy friend she bumped into: That girl you're with is pretty hot, is she single?
Nicole: She's not looking.
Friend: Not looking tonight, or not looking at all?

In retrospect that last sentence is really tragic. It's almost like our post-modernist age has brainwashed people into the lowest of standards. And our entire society is completely obsessed with "love". Everywhere you go there are ads using love (or sex) to sell their product. The movie industry goes nuts with romance. Basically, from a film critics perspective, a movie is not well rounded unless it has some romantic interest. Children's stories always focus on the Prince and Princess getting married at the end. Basically 89.7% of all songs are about love. Although more songs are very malicious if you actually listen to them. The new thing to do in songs is to sing about how much you don't want to be with someone instead of vice verse. Society keeps telling us that we must live out the fairy tale of true love, but at the same time it is sitting waiting to pounce on a relationship that is not perfect. I don't understand why people think that a relationship can be perfect. Can you imagine how boring that would be if there was never any tension? And they both lived happily ever after in a life of redundant mediocrity. How would you grow together? How could you say you really knew the other person? A friend of mine once told me that he wanted to see me angry, because he said that you can't truly say you love someone without seeing both the good and the bad. I realized recently that one of the reasons I fear falling in love is because I know I will eventually show my temper to that man. It pains me to think of causing this man, who's managed to acquire such deep devotion and respect from me, such pain and grief. I fear turning sour.

Some people believe that God creates a person especially for you. I used to believe that. Then I stopped believing. Now I'm beginning to again, kind of. That is to say, I now have the opinion that God lets us chose our one life mate. Even if that person isn't going to be the best fit to our "jigsaw piece" it isn't going to ruin our lives. But only God knows who is a good fit and who is a great fit and who is the best fit. When I get married I want to be like those cute old couples who radiate love and devotion. You know those people have been through hard times and only came out stronger and more in love. I want true love. But what does that even mean? Does anyone even believe in that anymore?

Taryn is very good at getting me to really think out what I believe about a vast array of topics, including the awkward ones. The other day we were talking about the need to trust other people with our lives and the topic naturally turned to love:

Taryn: Zoe....what is love?
me: patience, kindness...
Taryn: no what is love?
give me the "zoe" definition
me: love is an unselfish desire to bring joy and fulfillment to another person

It's so much more than that though. I wish I could write down something less fluffy. God is love after all. It's a big topic. If anyone has any other insights into the aspects that make up love please post a comment. Love covers so many bases...

I agree with Christa. Men need to let you know you're worth effort, even if it means racing to the airport to catch you before you leave forever. Sorry Dan. I like your stalker theory though.

Pursuit is all about expressing love in the most effective way, not necessarily the most proper way. Touch is definitely one of my love languages. I love giving hugs to people. This week has been good for me because everyone is trying to express their love for everyone else before we all go our separate ways. I saw Annika and Lydia today, they came for food group (turkey dinner, compliments of Nate and I. I kid you not). It's bazaar that I never realized what a strong maternal instinct I have for some girls. Maybe not a maternal instinct, what's the instinct that makes you treat other girls like your sister? Siternal instinct? Or maybe a combination of the two. Simaternal. There are some people I naturally/immediately feel a fierce devotion to. I don't like letting go of friends.

You're absolutely right Karen. I think I'll focus on getting the most out of my singleness. We should have a singles only party and go out to do crazy things. Live life to the max no matter where you're at in your walk.

Wow, why has everyone (and I mean everyone) been talking to me about love lately? I used to hate talking about love because it seems so mushy and awkward and personal, and then it gives people the wrong impressions. But since when have I ever steered away from an awkward situation?

I have to get up soon.

Exit Backstage

2006-07-23T01:01:00.000-06:00

"So the Arameans were afraid to help the Ammonites anymore."
- 2 Samuel 10:19b

Ya, that's logical. Those Ammonites were pretty stupid. And mean, did I mention they were mean? Dense is probably a better word than stupid. Paranoid. Why do wars have to start over such trivial things? As far as the men were concerned though I'd say that was one cruel royal prank the Ammonites pulled. Harsh.

I went to the worship night. I can't sing. Then when I tried I broke off into a coughing fit. Well I got to stay for a few songs anyway. Truth be told it wasn't feeling like real worship. It seemed too focused on the leaders. I kinda felt like watching other people sing karaoke without the humour. Singer opposite audience format. Maybe that was just me. But it was awesome to listen to! Very uplifting. I still wanted to worship God after I had to go purge myself of mucus though. So I sat and listened to the songs from the stairway while reading more of 2 Samuel. It's so pretty sitting up on the stairwell looking at all the lights at night. And the music actually really helped me focus. It was almost like playing a movie in my head. Those have got to be the best stories ever! Especially since they're true. I got through 16 Chapters, then the songs got quieter and I realized that it's tomorrow already. The worship sounded more passionate near the end. I'm glad. But it was totally worth it to leave the worship room and worship in a different way. I feel so uplifted. And anticipatory. That's the word to express suspense right? Well, it sounds cool anyway. I like saying it three times fast. Anticipatoryanticipatoryanticipatory!

Hi Dan. Bye Dan. Thanks for reading my blog. You did read it right?

Oh, one last thing. Since I couldn't sing during worship I created dances before God in my head. I got an image in my head like the one I have as my background. It was also falling into eternity, but it was eternally bowing before God. Falling into his love. Only this image was much brighter and was more blue than green. I wish I could draw it. So there ya go Andrew, you asked me what it symbolized and now I know.

I hope Flora's reception went well.

Nose Bleeds All Around!

2006-07-22T19:55:00.000-06:00

So on the way to Flora's wedding today I blow my nose (like I've done a hundred times in the last three days) only this time something is different. Odd, what's that bit of red doing there? Yup, those rascally nosebleeds sneak up on you at the most inopportune times. I actually had a worse one last night right after publishing the last blog. Luckily nothing got on my outfit so all I had to do when I got to the church was rinse off the evidence.

Flora looked stunning to say the least. Everything looked stunning. I love Chinese weddings. They're so posh. And such a neat idea for a wedding. It was very traditional for some parts, but highly personalized for others. One of the highlights for me was the personalized wedding vows. It really showed the personalities of the two of them while still saying the essential "till death to us part and such" bits. It was beautiful. I can't get over how meaningful it all was. This is the first wedding I've gone to where I really felt the gravity of the commitment, while still seeing the unmistakable joy and love in the two newly-weds eyes. Ah, this whole wedding thing is really beginning to grow on me. It made me so hopeful and happy. That's what the world needs more of. Happy hope. *Yeash* When did I ever become so girly? Silly Zoë! No, but at the same time it also showed me yet again how far I am from being ready to commit my time and effort into making a romantic relationship work. I'm so immature sometimes. *Wheeeee* (frolic through the grass while spinning pink skirt). Another reason I love weddings is because I get to wear a skirt and I don't have people constantly asking me why I'm so dressed up. I like dressing up, okay? Didn't you read my profile? Silly people.

I was kinda worried this morning to be honest. I love wearing my white lacy spaghetti strap top over my other white spaghetti strap top. Only problem is that in the Project guidelines it recommends not wearing spaghetti straps without a blazer for the sake of the guys. It was technically okay for me to wear it since I wasn't at Project, but I'm wondering if I should follow the guidelines for the rest of Project or even the rest of my life. The rules were written by guys after all. There must be good reason for them. But I hate technicalities. I felt quite comfortable wearing it out in public since the spaghetti straps collectively were only a bit thinner than other tops that are above reproach, and it's not exactly form fitting. Oh I don't know. I'm not all that stressed about it, but I do like to follow rules when they make sense to me. Guys, any thoughts?
That was worth the rant just to write the word "spaghetti" over and over again :)

Oh yes, and I promised to tell you about yesterday evening. The photo scavenger hunt took place downtown and on the C-Train. And it wasn't just our team members who had to do silly things on camera in random places, oh no! We had to get strangers to do crazy things for us, Like sing a four part harmony, do a Crocodile Hunter impression, and order a smile from McDonald's. We also had to do random things near complete strangers and film their reactions. For example: talking on a hand cell phone loudly and with passion, asking directions in a Chinese accent in Chinatown, Do the scene where Luke discovers Darth Vader is his father on the C-Train, asking how to get to Sesame street in a Sesame Street character's voice, busking and talking to a Co-op worker while they're on their break). And of course we had to do fun stuff on our own like make a human pyramid, pretend a C-Train tunnel's a roller coaster, do a boy band dance, imitate the Project directors, etc. I had a blast. Or team consisted of me, Shelly, Alex, Loretta, Kristin, Nate and Kathleen. I'm so glad we didn't stress about getting everything done perfectly, it opened room for creativity and random videos people wanted to take along the way. And if you think that sounds like fun you can't imagine the sheer hilarity of watching everyone's videos with the entire group. Pee-your-pants good times. And that's how I lost my voice. Odd how laughing, screaming and running can do that to you when you have a cold.

Afterwards I went down to "The Darkside" for pictures of the imaginary family we created. And by imaginary I mean fake, not invisible. I'm Auntie Zoe who adopted Courtney, Alison and Cheryl because my brother Bob (Ivan) was being a bad father. ...Oh ya, I definitely just got another nose bleed in the middle of that sentence. Anywho carrying on, we discovered the reason that that children's mother is no longer around. Wanna hear the wow-finish I put on her life? Okay, they were having difficulties in their marriage so Bob took her shopping to appease her. I came along because I got along with both of them and played a mediator role...and I needed to do some shopping anyway. Then out of no where these muggers jump out and grab her purse. Bob, being the Asian man that he is, naturally ran after the muggers to get the money back. Only problem is that one of the muggers whips out a gun. Oh no! So Bob starts trying to wrestle the gun away from the one man while the others fled the scene. Bob got ahold of the gun, but alas, during the struggle the gun went off and shot his beloved wife. What tragedy! And their marriage was looking up too! I told the kids they weren't old enough to know the truth. Bob and I came up with that story right before all the family members had the brilliant idea of creating a family tree to include everyone in the Project. It's really nifty. I've got lots of cousins. And a couple of actual (not adopted) daughters. My flesh and blood are Nicole and Amber. Awww! Aren't my girls so sweet? Nicole gave me a haircut/trim today before the wedding. My hair was getting kinda mullet-esque in the back. She did a dandy job. I wish Steve K had been there with his barbershop quartet. Ah well.

I better eat dinner now. Worship night starts in ten minutes.

Wakin' Up at 1

2006-07-22T01:52:00.000-06:00

Too tired to write a lot tonight (this morning...). I feel a lot better now. That is to say my nose isn't running nearly as much and I'm not feeling tired and weak anymore. The only problem now is that I sound like a man, provided this man sounds a bit like a frog.
Here's what happened. Last night I couldn't get to sleep for the longest time because I was switching between being sweltering hot and freezing cold. Then I woke up at 2. Then I had a nightmare where the same thing happens over and over and over again. I think it had to do with css style sheets cuz Karen helped me personalize this blog last night (you rock my world Karen!). But then I woke up at 5:30 and could not fall back asleep, so I went out to get a glass of water. Leah was already up and asked me if I was working early. I thought that was kinda funny. Then I fell back asleep and had random dreams that didn't go anywhere till about 9. Then I slept soundly till 1pm. And I've spent the rest of the day resting and sleeping.

But then Friday night fun happened. It was full throttle from there on. I'll write more later, but basically it was a video scavenger hunt. That's why I no longer possess a real voice.
...and then we took family pictures and figured out a family tree for all of project...
I'll explain that one later too.

Okay, it's time for more sleep. I'm so tired of sleeping. But sadly my tiredness physically is greater than my tiredness of sleeping. You win this time sleep. Plus I've gotta be up for the 9am leadership meeting and then get ready for Flora's wedding.

I need to see if I can get my Chi Pao to wear...

Stupid Stupid Rat Creatures

2006-07-20T19:42:00.000-06:00

"Feels like I don't remember ever being this tired before now my eyes were closed to all of the beauty in this world..."
-from "jefferson aero plane", Relient K

I'm so stinkin' sick! I didn't realize how bad it was yesterday. Of course yesterday was before I spent hours tossing and turning and trying to blow my nose quietly in the wee hours of the morning. I really felt stupid going around Claire's today with a bright pink nose, asking people if they need any help. It's one of those colds where your nose runs like a faucet and your throat is sore (especially when you swallow), and when you blow your nose it feels raw. My whole head feels raw. Bleh.

There are so many things I wish I could be doing right now. Like going to the girls spa night for one. I came home after a brutally long and moist (but cheerful, oddly) day at work to find out that Andrea dropped by to come to the spa night with me. Nothing worse than feeling disappointed about something and then finding out that there is one more thing you will miss out on. At least I got to talk to her for a bit and see her birthday photos. There are too many birthday parties and weddings that I: 1) Don't have time for, and 2) Couldn't attend anyway cuz of this cold. If I'm going to stay home from stuff I'd like to at least be able to do something therapeutic like bake cookies or go bubble blowing or even give someone a massage. Maybe I'll read the Sonic the Hedgehog comics AT lent me...I love Sonic. Which reminds me, I should really try playing Sega here at Project myself instead of just watching Nate play Sonic 2...
Kristin is such a sweetheart! She just offered to run to Co-op and get some Neo-citron. Sadly this fennel tea is growing on me, but some real medicated stuff will be a welcome change. To Kristin! *clink*
Maybe I should use this time to try personalizing the background of this blog. Ya that's sounds good. Although I can't do much in the way of creativity without my U-lead. Maybe I'll try whipping a picture up when I head home to grab the video camera tomorrow...

I really hope Mom doesn't have skin cancer. I'm so sick of even being surrounded by even the word "cancer". It's stupid because I told people that one of the reasons I shaved my head was because so many people in my family have had skin cancer. Yup, I was right. It's almost like a prophesy. But a bigger reason was because I'll probably get cancer eventually too. I've received such a fanfare for this one tiny thing I did. Every time I explain to people why my hair is so short they look at me with this sense of wonder and admiration... then they tell me my skull is shapely. Why me? Why do people focus so much on the volunteers instead of the victims? Are there too many that they aren't special anymore? They're the one's that are brave. They're the one's that deserve your respect, not me!!! It's not a sacrifice to have no hair, it's a one-way ticket to people's respect. I feel cheap.

This hairstyle is kinda getting old though. Honestly, all I can really do is brush it down (yes I do use a brush now) so I kinda look like a boy. Not that that's a bad thing per se, but it only works well if you are a boy. I was greatly complimented today. Lily was putting some necklaces on the wall at the other side of the store, and suddenly she yells out, "Hey Zoë, you should see this! I think this is really you!" Low and behold she's right! It's not every day people can pick out what classifies as "me". Sadly the only reason she thought I'd like it is because she thinks I'm a bit of a punk. Fashion-wise, not attitude-wise. It turns out she was pointing to a necktie style necklace, which is basically something I've been waiting my whole life for. I wish I'd had it for the "Story of the Soul" night when I went mock suit and tie. I had a boutonniere and everything (i.e. a flower I popped off of Amy's hanging rose basket...thanks Amy!). Well better late than never. It's a good thing I get 50% off for working a Claire's! Or maybe it's not such a good thing. I feel like I've signed my soul away to Claire's. And my bank account...

Speaking of signing, I had to sign a lot of papers today. It reminded me of how messy my handwriting is. Maybe, instead of all the other ideas of stuff I could do with my wallowing-in-mucus free time, I should work on my handwriting. I've been writing out some bible verses on random scraps of paper. It just looks so pretty and sagely.

It's very quiet.

Project = Ginger Tea

2006-07-19T00:26:00.000-06:00

I finally realized why I've been so tired lately. I'm getting (another) cold. It all makes so much sense now! Roisin was sick today too, her stomach was acting up. So what better cure than a cup of ginger tea? It's all too similar to last year in East Asia when Jenn got sick and puked all over the ground. Only Roisin didn't puke on the ground, she writhed on it. Oddly the puke was pink. Ginger worked well on both accounts. I really have a new appreciation for ginger. Maybe I should drink some tea to help my throat. Or maybe I should just start a ginger appreciation party. The next time the elections roll around be sure to vote GAP. I'm drinking some fennel tea Nicole gave me. She's right, it doesn't taste very good. I hope she was right about it working wonders though...

Life has been such a roller coaster lately. Seems like everything's happening at once. Apparently my Mom might have skin cancer now. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep her in your prayers. I also heard some wonderful news from a friend of mine. And through it all there is this knowledge that Project will be over in a week and a half. The thing that has been forefront on my mind today is the need to not waste what time I'm given. Even the Bible study today was focused on living like it matters. And honestly, after hearing Trevor's talk on his own struggle with illness I feel like such a wimp complaining about a little cold. A phrase popped into my head today: "Don't let your race be a photo finish." I wish I knew what that meant...

I only remember a snippet from my dream last night...it had to do with the colours white, blue and tan. And about getting my nose pierced. I really need to organize a time to go get my tattoo. When I put something off it keeps building in my mind till it starts interfering with my thoughts even if they're sub-conscious. I really don't want it to be a stress issue though. I hope it doesn't cost too much. I'm planning on going to Smilin' Buddha because it's supposedly the best place in Calgary. I have three other girls who want to come with me, but I can't quite remember who the third one was. I wish I could get Shelly to come in to get her ear pierced. I really enjoy it now. I should be thankful that it's such a subtle adrenaline rush for me, otherwise my hand would be shaking so bad I could never get it done.

Ah. I'm going to miss everyone. I wish I could find time to talk to each person individually. And there are a few people I want to have another late night talk with. And walk. I wish I could walk through life inverted...
My hair is getting too long in the back.

Welcome to Me

2006-07-18T00:18:00.000-06:00

"If crime showed on a mans face there wouldn't be any mirrors..."
-Albert from "We're No Angels"

How much do I know about other people? How much do they know about me? One thing that I will never forget about this summer is the trust and full frontal honesty this little community of Christians has acquired. I love that. I love learning peoples deep dark secrets. I love sitting up with one other person till 3am and just kneading out their essence. I love people. But I'm beginning to question my boundaries and standards regarding interaction with others. How much is too much information? I'm obsessively fascinated by diving full into someones mind, but too often it leads to scary places. I've always understood openness to be admirable. Why can't life be as simple as that? I hate rewriting my own understanding. If Jesus were here physically, would he encourage openness despite false impressions and connotations? I always thought so...maybe I was wrong. How much am I responsible for my brothers? How much should I edit what I say for their own good? I recently realized *poof, light bulb moment for Zoë* that I love people asking me awkward or crazy questions. It's so refreshing to be thrown off guard. I anticipate so many things that it seems like I've said all these things before.

I feel like I don't show others enough of who I am. I'm so free and light sometimes. Or else crazy and quirky. But other times I can be occupied in my own thoughts, brooding. And there are times when I feel nothing but sweet sadness. And of course there's the darkness that rears it's ugly head every once in a while. I'm pretty complexly randomly unstable. Once I've shown one side of me to someone I don't feel comfortable behaving any differently. I worry so much about giving people the wrong impression. I loathe being misunderstood and being categorized. Today I felt that darkness rolling back. Nobody noticed...poor oblivious people. I'm afraid one day it will come to consume me and there won't be anyone standing in it's way. Who has the guts to know me?
I'll have to pray about this. And about everything else. This summer's flown.

Dan and Shelly made lunch today. It tasted quite interesting since they both did their own thing and just threw them together at the end. Chinese/Indian noodles and meat stuff. Creativity certainly is key. Isn't variety just peachy? I would hate to have to go through life without other people's spontaneity. I wonder how many people I'll know by the end of my life. I wish I could just level out and figure out why I'm so bi-polar so I can get on with my life and enjoy other peoples company. There're so many interesting things to do. I should invent a cure for feeling inadequate...where's my lubriderm lotion?
I missed Courtney's birthday party today. I really wish I could have gone, she's one of my favorite people to hang with. I always feel at peace when she's around. So in honour of her I offer this birthday song:
Aaaaaa haaaapppppppyyyyyyyyyyy birthday to you a happy birthday to you
may you know Jesus near every day of the year
a happy birthday to you a happy birthday to you
and the best year you've ever haaaaaaaaad.

Okay It's time for bed. Well, maybe dinner first. Claires' got me working 5:30-9:30 on Tuesdays so there isn't really time for dinner anywhere in there. Then I just forgot to eat. I have a theory that there are two types of starving artists: the kind that can't afford to eat and the kind that just forget to eat because they're high off epiphanies. I wish I had my U-lead photo express and a decent mouse handy. I haven't drawn in ages. And I wish I could remember my dreams for longer than half an hour after I wake up. Maybe I'll start writing them down for you to read. There's an idea. But who says we have to have an idea?

Thanks for reading. Happy tomorrow!